Glory be to God

 Jesus said to her “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.”

-Matthew 9:22

The sermon at church today was about keeping the faith and giving all the glory to God when His faithful promises are made good. It reminded me that I needed to update my little corner of the blogosphere about my journey of faith!

Our precious miracle, Stella Grace, was born March 20 weighing 7lbs 1oz and with a full head of strawberry blonde hair, she came into this world screaming wildly on fire. 

My pregnancy was nothing short of amazing and I felt absolutely great the entire time. I was able to workout up until the day I delivered her and I am so thankful for all the hard work my body did to prepare and grow her. After all the negative things my body has been through in the last few years, and all the time I spent cursing it for failing me repeatedly, I am grateful that it was finally able to function "normally".

However, at my 20 week anatomy ultrasound, it was found that Stella had several choroid plexus cysts on her brain. Although my doctor tried to assure me that it was probably not a sign of anything ominous, it landed us an emergent trip to the maternal fetal medicine specialist. After a more thorough ultrasound and a DNA blood test, they were deemed harmless and she was free of a speculated Trisonomy 18 diagnosis.  I was still closely monitored throughout the remainder of my pregnancy to watch the cysts and guarantee that they disappeared. What a relief it was to see them shrink each ultrasound until they were completely gone! 

While I was in labor on the day Stella was born, her heart rate started showing drastic decelerations on the monitor. The nurses could tell that this was due to a "cord issue", but that's all they said. They did a great job keeping their composure and assuring me everything would be ok. But when my doctor came in to check me, he went into frantic panic mode and said she needed to get out FAST. It felt like only about 5 minutes had passed and Stella was out. Not only did she have the cord wrapped around her neck, she also had a true knot in her cord. But she was completely fine. I was induced early, before my due date to control my bleeding issue. The day after Stella was born, my doctor admitted to me that had I gone all the way until my due date, she had a drastically increased chance of being stillborn due to the knot in her cord. Needless to say, in that moment, it was clear that this little girl was meant to be here on this earth with us for a purpose. Here she was, only 1 day old, and yet her list of God's faithful actions toward her arrival was already a mile long. 

Stella is 3 months old now and we are finally coming out of the "newborn fog". {Some people are blessed with perfect, non crying, always sleeping newborns. I was not one of those people!} Stella was an extremely difficult baby for many months. Her colic and reflux issues plus to her refusal to sleep made it very hard to praise God for this precious miracle He so graciously gifted us with. Somewhere amongst all the crying and sleep deprivation, I realized that nothing about "getting" Stella had been easy...the wait, the uncertainty, the fertility issues, her delivery, and now this cranky newborn phase. But you know what? All of those struggles made her worth it, SO worth it. 

 

God never promised it would be easy, He only promised that He would always be faithful. And faithful He has been. All the glory be to God!

They don't work ... like, at all

At some point in our society, it has become the "norm" to rudely question (& subsequently judge) new mothers about how they choose to feed their babies. We all know breast is best. But for whatever reason, i.e. nursing problems, babies with medical issues, mothers going back to work-- if/when a mom decides not to breastfeed, she frequently feels shamed & scorned by moms everywhere.

This issue became even more disturbing to me after reading this article from a young mother & breast cancer survivor. Now that I am pregnant and will be in her shoes very soon with a newborn, unable to breastfeed, I am completely dreading the stares, questions and ridicules from unknowing strangers. Namely, starting in the hospital when "well-meaning" healthcare professionals seem to bombard you about breastfeeding your new baby. I've already been asked, several times by several different people in the healthcare profession, if I'm going to be breastfeeding this baby. I know they probably meant no harm in asking, but it still astounds me how little is known about the subject. So just to clear up any future confusion-- the short answer is I would LOVE nothing more than to be able to nurse my baby, but sadly no, I physically cannot. A double mastectomy leaves a woman with absolutely no breast tissue or milk ducts, and most of the time without nipples. Yes, I look like I physically have breasts, but they are nothing more than shells of skin that hold silicone implants. And for those, I am extremely grateful because I am able to feel and look feminine. But they serve no other purpose, and never will.

I have researched many alternative options about how to best feed my baby, including milk banks & donor milk. I am so thankful that these options exist for women in similar situations like myself. I have also contacted Susan G Komen to see if they have any partnerships with milk banks or formula companies to help young breast cancer survivors like myself feed their babies. So far no such programs exist, but I am excited about the possibility to be able to help further this research and hopefully foster partnerships in the future. I feel like with the (unfortunate & alarming) increase in young women who are diagnosed before they start/complete their families, the more this will soon pose a greater need among survivors.

To be completely honest, I already feel extreme guilt & sadness over not being able to breastfeed this baby. I would love nothing more than to share that nursing bond with her! Additionally, I know those feelings will only be magnified once she is born and my hormones are in full effect; what a tough & delicate time for a new mom! But the reality of the situation is, because of my double mastectomy, I am ALIVE and I am blessed beyond measure. I was able to beat breast cancer to be here today, to even have the chance to get pregnant and bring this precious miracle baby into the world. So before anyone jumps to judgement, just know that my gratefulness far exceeds my worry about how my baby gets fed. My hope is that by sharing my story it will help others to be careful with their questions and judgements. Every momma has a story, and has walked a journey to get there, so let's all remember to be mindful of her feelings!

Pregnant after Breast Cancer

If you only had any idea how many times I have googled those 4 simple words: pregnant after breast cancer. [It would probably be a ridiculously embarrassing amount of google searches over the last three years.] And because most of those searches (until just very recently) yielded almost nothing, it is my biggest hope that by posting this blog today, I can somehow give some optimism to another young girl who is out there desperately googling those words herself. Because the reality is more & more young women are being diagnosed-- many before they've even started a family. And many, like myself, who have not yet completed their family.

I am now VERY blessed to be able to say that I am indeed pregnant after having breast cancer (12.5 weeks to be exact!) It is so exciting to be able to share our news with our family & friends who have so faithfully supported us since day 1 of this tumultuous journey. The past three years have felt like an eternity that has slowly crept by. My patience was at an all-time low many times and there were days when I just wanted to give up and never thought a pregnancy would happen. But I'm here to say that I'm living proof that miracles DO happen and there is indeed a light at the end of every long & dark tunnel.

Just how I got to where I am today is a crazy story filled with lots of uncertain detours. If you're interested in the medical jargon of my journey, keep reading (some may be TMI), if not then just skip to the bottom :) This is for all the cancer survivors who have been told "You can't ever get pregnant" or "You shouldn't ever try to get pregnant because it's not safe". I'm here to tell you that I defied those odds and you can too.

After enduring four rounds of very toxic chemotherapy, I sought out the advice of a reproductive endocrinologist to get an update on the [new] state of my fertility. He checked my AMH level and told me that although a good portion of my egg reserve had been killed off as a result of chemo, I was not in the "infertile" zone just yet. Although waiting the recommended full 5 years on Tamoxifen could exacerbate that by allowing time to naturally age my eggs as well. This is why we opted to stop Tamoxifen after only 2 years. I also had a procedure done called an HSG to check the status of my left fallopian tube that had been damaged during my ectopic pregnancy. Luckily that tube was open, functioning, and free of scar tissue, but I was still at a slight risk for another ectopic pregnancy should an egg come from that side.

And it's no secret that I've also spent the last few years researching and reaching out to experts all across the country. I've traveled to Dallas to meet with new doctors. I've had phone consultations with doctors in New York. I've blindly emailed so many other doctors & experts that I've lost count of who I've talked to and when. I've shared my story with whoever will listen and answer my questions/give me advice. I've scoured medical journals for any and all information regarding pregnancy after breast cancer.  Fortunately, I've come across more & more promising info recently in the last year. Most articles and studies start out with stating this: Historically, pregnancy after breast cancer has been considered potentially detrimental. 
Why? Because estrogen fuels pregnancy, which also coincidentally fuels [most types] of breast cancer. There aren't many studies done on patients who are willing to take the risk to get pregnant. However, lately there has been more focus and research on this area and the news is promising:
...the best available modern evidence suggests that pregnancy after breast cancer does not increase a woman’s risk of recurrence, and in fact may even confer a protective effect.
I literally cried when I read those words. This article was my golden ticket. It was my hope and everything I'd worked for was summed up in this one single publication! I printed out a binder-sized amount of research and humbly presented it to my oncologist. We have not always seen eye-to-eye on everything as I am a feisty lil fireball of a patient that keeps him on his toes. But over the last year he slowly came around to the idea that yes this was safe for me to pursue and yes he would support me.

After I stopped my Tamoxifen a few months ago and blindly walked into the unknown waters of trying to get pregnant, I had a strong feeling that things were going to work out. I'd worked so hard to get to that point and felt like God was by my side rooting me on along the way. However that all came to a crashing halt on July 14 when I discovered that my PCOS had returned. My cycles had been irregular up until then and they further were compounded by other frustrating symptoms. I sat in my OB's office and cried as he shook his head and apologized to me, stating he didn't think there was much he could do for me due to the sensitive nature & circumstances of my case. He then had a consultation with my oncologist to discuss any safe options to help me. The only thing they could agree upon was a laproscopic surgery called ovarian drilling that I'd had once before, and was quite successful to cure my PCOS and I got pregnant (unfortunately with the ectopic).

A week later, July 23, I sat in my oncologist's office, crying yet again, because he told me he was admitting me to the hospital for 3 days due to my rare, yet mild blood condition. He always errs on the side of caution when I have surgery and as a precautionary measure he wanted me to be admitted to be monitored. I left his office feeling even more defeated, wondering why was all this happening to me after I'd come so far? I went home and cried all evening and started to doubt myself, my strength, and if I should even pursue this surgery. Maybe this just wasn't meant to be. What if it didn't even work? What if I went through with the whole thing and still couldn't get pregnant? It was my lowest of lows and I just wanted to give up and be done.  As I fell asleep that night I prayed for God to let me know that I should keep moving forward; I pleaded with Him to give me a sign that He was still there. The surgery was scheduled for July 29 and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go through with it.

The next morning I woke up and saw the one remaining pregnancy test on my bathroom shelf. It was a glaring reminder of what I had hoped & wished for and I felt like it was just staring me down. For no reason at all, I decided to take it just so I could throw it away and start over again later. I literally had no reason to think it would be positive, no symptoms, nothing. But in a flash, I amazingly saw that magic word pop up: pregnant. Since I had no reason to think I was actually pregnant, I was in complete shock and wasn't sure what to think or do. I called my OB's office who immediately had me come in for bloodwork. By lunchtime they called me back: "Your HCG is 452. You're pregnant!" It turns out I had gotten pregnant right before that ultrasound that showed my PCOS was back. By some miracle I was able to get pregnant just before the PCOS became too severe. I ended up going in for my first ultrasound at 4weeks 4days, to ensure that the pregnancy was not another ectopic. They could tell that unfortunately, it did come through the same left side that I'd had the ectopic pregnancy on. This was a huge worry and we were once again prepared to rush into emergency surgery if need be. Again, by some miracle, the baby was perfectly placed where it needed to be and was growing right along. Two weeks later, at 6 weeks along, we heard its beautiful heartbeat loud & clear.

Now I firmly believe that every child is a miracle from God and that pregnancy is such an amazing wonder. But after all that I've been through, after all that my body has been through, and after all that this sweet baby has been through (in just a short time), I am extremely humbled & blessed to be carrying this precious little miracle! This child will one day get to hear quite the story of how it came to be. But until then we will relish in God's grace and praise Him for how good He has been to us!

If you find yourself up against all odds, just remember that even if your journey is long & difficult, great things can and will come out of it if you keep the Faith :) 

Our Pregnancy Announcement

Fab-U-Wish'd in Chicago

Ever since I was diagnosed I've been inspired by the work that Bright Pink has done, and continues to do. They provide support & education to young women who are at high risk for breast & ovarian cancer. I think they have such a wonderful mission for a special demographic of women who are in definite need of support. One of their main programs, Pink Pal, matches mentors with newly diagnosed (or newly genetically informed) women who are in need of friendship, support and counseling. I volunteered to be a Pink Pal and when I was matched with my first girl last October, I knew instantly we'd be life-long friends.

I called Brianna on the phone for the first time to introduce myself and share our stories. We ended up talking for over 2 hours; laughing, crying and everything in between. Our stories of being diagnosed and family situations were so similar and we just meshed instantly. Brianna just recently finished her treatment journey and is now doing beautifully! But during that time, her loving & thoughtful husband contacted Bright Pink to grant her a Fab-U-Wish, which is sponsored by the amazing Giuliana. He felt like he wanted Brianna and I to meet in person so that we could enjoy a weekend together and have quality girl time. Bright Pink was amazing in setting up my trip (and the entire surprise!).

When I say they don't mess around with their Fab-U-Wishes, I'm serious! I was blown away at the planning that went into our special weekend. They put me up in the Four Seasons Chicago with a breath-taking view of Lake Michigan. 

I surprised Brianna for brunch at the Ralph Lauren restaurant in downtown. She was completely shocked to see me and had no idea that her awesome husband had planned any of this! Surprising her was by far the best part of the weekend; especially when she exclaimed "Wait, did we just get Fab-U-Wish'd?!?!" We enjoyed a fabulous meal with bottomless mimosas and then headed back to the Four Seasons for an unbelievable spa day. 

 

That evening we had a wonderful dinner downtown, but we also surprised Brianna by inviting a few of her closest girlfriends. I had such a great time getting to know them and they were so welcoming & kind to me. Needless to say, Brianna has some pretty amazing people in her life :) 

 

It was a fast & furious whirlwind weekend but it was so amazing and I'll never forget it. I feel so blessed to have Brianna in my life and I can't wait for our next get-together as survivor sisters! Thank you Bright Pink (& Giuliana!) for making all of this happen!!

FORCE conference in Philly

Last month was a busy month for me with all things breast cancer related-- but for a GOOD reason: travel! My first trip was to Philadelphia to attend the annual FORCE conference. This organization is beyond amazing in their research & support for hereditary breast & ovarian cancer. They're always on the forefront of the latest studies and research. I love how passionate they are about BRCA 1&2 and how much they want to help people (and families) like myself. When I found out they were also partnering with the Basser Institute I knew I had to attend because it'd be amazing stuff. And it was, they did not disappoint!

 

I was fortunate to attend on a full scholarship and I strongly encourage others to do the same in the future! I applied on a whim, not thinking I'd get it, and they covered my entire trip. I was so incredibly thankful for this opportunity! Sidenote: FORCE is also responsible for covering the funds to get my entire family tested for the BRCA2 gene. It is an incredibly expensive genetic test and they made it possible for 4 of my family members to get tested, at no cost of their own. To say that we love FORCE is a huge understatement!

So off to Philly I went, for my first ever trip to the northeast-- talk about a culture shock for this southern girl! I was very lucky to have two amazing roommates to spend my weekend with. One of which is actually a distant cousin of mine because we share the exact same DNA code genetic mutation. Crazy huh? What a small world this BRCA community is! {It definitely helps lessen the "I feel like a freak" mentality that I've lived when since I was diagnosed.}

The speakers/researchers/doctors that FORCE had lined up to present at the conference made me completely star-struck. If you would've told me five years ago that at the age of 31 I'd be excited to go learn about ovarian cancer detection, I'd have said you were crazy. But these are people that are world-renowned in their subject matter and have done such great things for this community. Several of them are doctors that I've been stalking for the last few years for advice on my specific case.

The most inspirational doctors there were Dr. Domchek of the Basser Institute, Dr. Kauff from MSK, and Dr. Ann Partridge from Harvard. All of these doctors I'd spoken to prior to the conference and I was so anxious to touch base with them again. Their presentations were simply amazing and left me in tears as I was so overwhelmed by their amazing knowledge and support for cases like my own. It gave me hope for my future, hope for my family's future, and comfort knowing that they are outstanding medical personnel out there fighting for us. Plus I decided if I could move to Boston and have Dr. Patridge as my doctor {& best friend!} I totally would! I was simply in awe of their determination to fight for the hereditary breast and ovarian cancer community.

I left the conference feeling so grateful; just thankful for the opportunity to hear these people present, to learn about the amazing work that FORCE continues to do, and blessed to even still be here to take in this experience. Thank you, FORCE!

 *Next up: an even better trip to Chicago!!

the biggest decision of my life

“Dear God, please bring us a healthy baby girl”

That’s the prayer my sweet little girl has been praying every night, for the past year. She is so set on having a baby sister that she has developed into such a strong prayer warrior during this process. However, just last week her prayer turned into this:

‘DEAR GOD, PLEASE BRING US A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!”

When I asked her why in the world she felt the need to yell her prayer, she said “Mommy because we don’t have our baby yet, maybe God can’t hear me”. It was in that moment I knew I needed to teach her about Faith. What a beautiful opportunity it was for me to introduce such a mature topic to such a sweet little heart.

It’s no secret that our journey for another baby has been a tough one. And since I’ve shared every other personal detail about it, I figured I shouldn’t stop now. This is such a taboo subject in the field of medicine (& cancer research) right now, that I am all about spreading the knowledge. There are thousands of other young 20 and 30-something women out there who right now, recently diagnosed with breast cancer, who have not yet started their family, or have not yet completed their family. This needs to be discussed! And researched! {If you or someone you know is struggling with this after a cancer diagnosis, please let them know they aren't alone. This is why I share my story.}

The truth is, there is no standard protocol for a situation like mine. Doctors are unsure what to tell patients like me because young women aren’t supposed to get breast cancer. (But we do) The problem with young women wanting to get pregnant after having breast cancer is that most breast cancer is fueled by estrogen—a hormone that reaches very high levels during pregnancy. Even after someone’s breast cancer is “cured”, it still has a chance of returning later in life. Survivors typically take very careful steps to try and prevent recurrence.

One of the most common ways of long-term treatment is a drug called Tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen from binding to cancer cells and growing a tumor. I, like most patients, was instructed to take this medication daily for the next 5 years. But some women who choose to attempt pregnancy are allowed to stop the medication at 2 years, then resume it after a potential pregnancy. I am extremely fortunate to be in the small percentage of breast cancer survivors who fall into this category because my cancer was caught very early. So I have spent the last 2 years fervently researching this, although it is still a very scarce subject. I’ve reached out to doctors at Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Memorial Sloan Kettering and other prestigious institutions. Every single doctor I’ve spoken to has given me the green light to proceed. However I should also add that this decision is not right for everyone. It is extremely personal and a lot of thought and prayer has been put into this process.

I’ve felt the nudge of God all along the way, giving me grace & strength to keep this fire burning in my heart. I made a promise to myself that the first doctor to tell me "no" would be my sign to close the door on this endeavor. But that never happened. I’ve prayed that God would show me the way and that His will be done. He has led me to this point, and I am ready. I’m ready to take the next beautiful step in this otherwise messy journey. 

 "Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"

Hebrews 11:1

So I am officially done taking the Tamoxifen for the time being. It is a very exciting, yet also very scary milestone. The bottom line, medically, is that I am taking a huge risk in doing this. However, because there is no medical data on this subject, no one knows exactly what the risk is. I am literally talking a blind leap of faith and walking into uncharted waters. My cancer could come back due to a pregnancy, or simply from being off the Tamoxifen. And because I had a mastectomy and have no breast tissue, the cancer would then come back in the bones, as stage 4. And there is no cure for stage 4. As morbid & scary as that sounds, these are the odds I’ve had to weigh while making this decision. There is also a very real possibility that I cannot get pregnant and all of this will be for nothing. I've prayed to prepare my heart to be able to accept that as an outcome too.

But that is where faith steps in; God has never left my side during this entire journey. I’ve felt so empowered and supported this entire time. Sure I have doubts, but mainly I feel excited. I’m so ready to move into this next chapter with confidence, regardless of how great the unknowns are. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but I think God has truly been teaching me patience during the last few years. (Says the most impatient person in the world). He’s been testing me in ways I never knew I could be tested and I think it’s taught me a lot about myself and my faith. My head is so full of knowledge and my heart full of faith. Whatever happens is God’s will for my life, and I can’t wait to for this next chapter to play out, whatever it may be. I know God has something great in store for our family.
 

It's not about me

Last month was Breast Cancer Awareness month, and it completely skirted by in the blink of an eye! {This whole working-mommy thing is tough.}

The month did not fly by without some awesome, note-worthy happenings. My school's cross-country team put together a Race for the Cure team in my honor. I was shocked that during a school-wide ceremony the entire school- students, faculty, staff, and parents- wore pink in for me. I've always been moved to see people wear pink, or the pink ribbon, in honor of breast cancer. But to have an entire school do it just for YOU is extremely overwhelming & humbling. I was honored to briefly speak in front of the school and share my survivor story.

The next week I received a very unexpected phone call. "Hi Anne? This is Ellen Degeneres Show and we've selected you to be our Survivor Of the Week". What?! I was in complete shock for the next hour! When I submitted my story a few weeks prior, I definitely did not expect to be picked. The fact that they took the time to read my story and chose to highlight my journey was just so exciting. {I was secretly waiting for them to say they'd fly me to LA for the show, but no such luck!} It felt so surreal that my story was being shared to millions in Ellen's fan base. Wow. Just wow.

As exciting as these events were,  it was several other happenings that were far more important. Two friends went in for a mammogram because of a concern and after hearing my story, they wanted it checked out. I was put in touch with three random strangers, young women, who were newly diagnosed and lost & scared. I was connected with another young survivor who told me "I think that you are my soul mate!" after we poured our hearts out to each other about our very painful struggles. These women are why I share my story. This is what this awful disease is about; not pain, loss, hurt. It is about touching other peoples' lives and reaching out to those in need, it is not about me. I am merely the messenger for Jesus, helping other women along the way and ministering to their hearts to help them through their journey. And I am blessed and honored to do it.

"Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other" 

Ephesians 4:2

What's new?!

Wow I can't believe it's been 3 long (..or short?!) months since my last post. It was completely unintentional and life just got busy! The summer was beautiful & wonderful and I'm sad to see it go. But with the end of summer comes another new chapter in our lives-- I have gone back to work!

a girls' trip to Oceanside, CA

Remember how funny God is when we think we have our life all planned out? Yeah, He likes to laugh at us. I thought I had my life all planned out: we'd have two (or three!) kiddos and I'd stay home with them until the last one went to school full time. Then I'd return to work. Well considering I don't have a babe at home right now, and my daughter is now in Pre-K five days a week, I'm left a little empty. Sure it's nice to have alone time; I love all the "me time" I can get! But the reality is all that alone time isn't good for my soul. Staying at home thinking about not having a baby right now is just not what's best for my heart. I decided that I need to be out, doing something, being productive with my time.

 

 first day of school

Enter my daughter's amazing school. We made the careful decision to send her to this outstanding private school for many, many reasons. And now I'm honored to be able to say that I teach there! It has been such a blessing to me to be in a positive environment, around wonderful people, starting a new chapter. I could go on and on about how blessed I feel to have this opportunity in my life right now. I never knew how badly I needed this change until it happened. God is still sneakily working in my life when I least expect it, I see it all the time!

my BRCA story

With all the whirlwind media lately surrounding Angelina Jolie's decision for a bilateral mastectomy I thought I'd share a lil bit about being BRCA positive. It's been over a year-and-a-half since I found out I was BRCA2 positive and I realized I haven't talked much about it on my blog.

For the record, no one in my family, immediate or extended, has ever had breast cancer or any type of cancer for that matter. This was the main reason no one suspected that my lump was actually cancer. Once I was in fact diagnosed, at the age of 28, the first test they ran was the BRCA test. Less than 20% of breast cancers are genetically linked to the BRCA mutation, but typically when a young woman is diagnosed it's often because of BRCA. I remember my oncologist saying to me "If you come back positive, I'm betting it'll be BRCA2". Sure enough, I was.

Everyone is born with the BRCA gene in their genetic makeup. Less than 1% of the population has a mutation on the BRCA1 or BRCA2 (yay me, awesome odds!). This mutation causes a malfunction in tumor suppression, thus allowing tumors - mainly in the breast & ovaries - to grow. I had no reason to think that I had this mutation until I was diagnosed. Many young women are now proactively being tested because of a family member having cancer, and they are opting for preventative surgeries. I've found an awesome group of women, called Young Previvors, who provide an excellent source of support for BRCA+ young people.

I've been humbled to have several friends come forward and talk to me about their family cancer history and get tested for the BRCA gene themselves. I cannot even tell you how happy this makes me that they're taking their health into their own hands. It is so important to know your family history and make wise choices regarding your future health.

There is a process called PGD where you can elective to have your embryos screened for a variety of genetic diseases and mutations. Many people who are BRCA+ choose to have this done so they do not pass on the mutation to their children. While this is an amazing option for many people, we feel like this is not something we will do for any future children we may be blessed with. Our daughter may or may not have this mutation, we won't know until she's 18, but she did not get a choice in her genetic makeup. To us it would not be fair to genetically screen any other children we may have-- they all deserve the same chance at life. When I brought this up with our daughter's pediatrician, his reply was "There's now a vaccine for cervical cancer, I'm sure by the time she's old enough there will be a vaccine against BRCA". I was so relieved; what great optimism to have! When our own daughter does get tested for the mutation, I will fully support any decision she decides to make to prevent herself from getting cancer should she carry the same mutation that I do.

The largest hereditary cancer organization for BRCA+ information/support for YOUNG women is Bright Pink which was started by Lindsay Avner, 22yr old woman who elected for a preventative mastectomy. It is such an amazing organization and I love all of the awesome information and support that they offer. There is also another national group called FORCE who offer valuable resources and research about BRCA. They are actually helping members of my own immediate family to get testing. They've also recently partnered with the Basser Institute, the first and only research center for the BRCA mutation. I've spoken to the director of the Basser Institute for advice on my own diagnosis and they are truly doing awesome ground-breaking work there.

So the bottom line is know your family's history, and if you don't know, ask! And if I can answer any question for you too, please ask me! I'd love to help in any way I can.

the best gift ever

Are you ready for this? Are you ready to read about the most amazing act of God's grace? Because I'm lucky enough to be living it right now.

If you've been a reader of my blog for a while now you know I've always said that I feel like I've gone through this process because I was meant to pay it forward and help others. I've had several awesome opportunities to counsel other young women who were diagnosed and it's warmed my heart to be able to lend a helping hand or a smiling face to someone who is struggling with a scary diagnosis. To me, this was God's sign that He was using me as His servant. I had never felt so blessed ... until this past week. Something happened that topped all of this.

A week ago I joined a Facebook group for adoptive mothers-- women who have adopted and are looking to adopt. Since we are exploring all of our adoption to expand our family, I decided "why not?" and joined the group. I introduced myself and shared my diagnosis/story & also my blog. Well a few days passed and a woman from the group contacted me saying she had an adoption opportunity for me. She said that a baby boy was due May 7 and wanted to know if I wanted the baby. I wish someone could've taken a picture of my face at that moment because it was pure shock. Was this a sign from God? Was this child meant to be our baby? A million thoughts were running rampant through my brain.  After talking to my husband, we decided that we're just not emotionally (or legally) ready for this so soon. It's less than a month away and it was just too soon for us. We'd barely scratched the surface of just discussing adoption and here we were with the possibility of bringing a baby home. Things got very real very fast!

So unfortunately we decided to decline the adoption offer, but we graciously passed it off to some dear friends of ours. They have been trying to have a baby for 5 years now with no success. They recently made the decision to adopt and started the legal process. Basically they were one of many couples out there "waiting on that call". We immediately thought of them and called them to offer this up to them. After they agreed, we hung up and hoped & prayed for the best. I was so torn about whether or not we'd just snubbed God. Did we just turn down His one and only offer for a baby for us?! My awesome husband reminded me "Anne, God uses people as His servants everyday. Maybe we are being use to give them their baby that they've been waiting for". That's when it hit me. We were the means that made it possible for them to become parents. Once my friend called me back to confirm me that they were indeed proceeding with the process, I broke down bawling. God truly did use my painful, ugly, horrible struggle to produce something beautiful for our friends. We never know what He's working on, or how His will is going to work out, but He is always faithful and never forgets about us or our wants. We are so excited for our friends and their brand new baby boy!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."  

1 Thessalonians 5:18

survivorship: 1 year!

You know, I've never asked my doctor what he measures survivorship by. Is it when the cancer was physically removed from my body during my mastectomy? Or when I finished chemo exactly one year ago? I like to go by when I was completely FINISHED with all things treatment related. So I'm basing my survivorship on when I finished chemo a year ago.

So what has happened in the past year? A lot of soul searching. A lot of re-building. A lot of praying. A lot of helping others. I have dedicated myself to reaching out to other young women who have been diagnosed. I've made it my mission to make sure they know they are not alone, and that they will be JUST FINE. To me, that is the most important part of my life now: God using me as a faithful servant to serve others in need. During my treatment I witnessed the love of Jesus in real-life through the women that helped me through. So it is my honor to do the same for other women now.

Living life as a survivor is a delicate and confusing journey. There are so many things that should be "normal" again that unfortunately are not. Learning to step outside my comfort zone and work on my insecurities has been a huge challenge. But with the love & support of friends, and through much prayer, I've successfully gotten to this point by the gift of troubled grace.

Along with a lot of spiritual growth has come the exciting growth of my hair. Guess who has a cute, new (& normal) haircut now?! I could not be any happier with my new 'do!  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

  Deuteronomy 31:6

Happy Hair-aversary

Wow. I seriously cannot believe it has been a year since I shaved my head. It feels so long ago, but it also feels just like yesterday. Time is such a tease like that!

Unfortunately (& fortunately) this is the one and ONLY reminder that I had cancer. Most days that word doesn't even enter into my mind anymore-- hallelujah! But when I walk past a mirror and I catch sight of this short hair, it's a glaring reminder that yes, you did have cancer. You lost your hair, you were bald. I hate that it's a constant reminder, but I'm getting better about accepting it.

I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who has complimented my short hair over the past year. It has meant SO much to me, and you'll never quite understand what it's done for my psyche. I've literally had to rebuild my self confidence back from the ground up-- something that has been so foreign and painful for me. This hair growth journey has taught me patience and humility in the most extreme ways possible. I've said it before and I'll say it again: losing my hair was way worse that undergoing a double mastectomy. That was hidden and can be concealed. Hair is such an outward sign of who you are; public for everyone to see at all times. I know people say it shouldn't "define" you, but to me, it really has.

So here's to 10 months of growth (it didn't start growing back until I finished chemo in April). Here's to funky hairstyles, faux hawks, and fun hair products. Here's to many more months & years of growth to come!

And just for laughs-- I found a picture of my new hair meme. Until now I used to think it was a Justin Bieber style, but I'm happy to report I'm feeling more like Carol Brady everyday ;)

defy the odds

When I made the decision to pursue fertility information, I literally had NO idea where to start. Until now, my trust had been 100% in my oncologist. To make a deliberate leap of faith and go against his advice has been a huge challenge for me. Once I was able to separate my emotions from my diagnosis, I methodically decided to move forward on my own.

Ironically enough it was Twitter that provided me with a path to start on. I follow many breast cancer organizations and research groups on Twitter. One of them posted about the new Basser Research Center in Pennsylvania. It is the first & only BRCA1/2 research center in the United States and just opened this fall. I could not believe it -- a research center just for my specific problem. If nothing else, it gave me HOPE for my daughter's future {as we will not know for many years to come if she is a carrier of my same mutation}. I decided to go out on a limb and email the executive director. I gave her the cliff-notes version of my case and asked for some {any} fertility advice. I didn't really expect her to reply, but felt better knowing I'd shared my story with someone who has the ability to make a difference & help others like me. Much to my amazement, she replied:

"Anne,

Thank you for your email.

I am out at a conference, but will call you by the end of the week. Neither your breast cancer diagnosis nor your BRCA2 status alone is a contraindication for future pregnancy."

I must've spent a good 10 minutes just staring at that email in complete disbelief. Was this really happening?! A nationally renowned expert in my specific case was telling me not to be discouraged. Well she kept her word and called me the very next day. After a 30-minute long conversation, her final words to me were emphatically "You WILL have another baby". I thanked her profusely for her time, hung up, and collapsed into a pile of sobs. It was such a relief to release those tears; bitterness, confusion, and hurt that had built up over the past year. I could not believe what I had just heard-- finally, a ray of HOPE! Someone giving me good news. Not just anyone, the expert with intense knowledge in the subject. To me she was a guardian angel sent by God.

Her advice to me was to seek out a second opinion from a colleague of hers that she trusted. She told me that when she got my email while at the conference , she then stepped into an elevator and ran into this colleague she had in mind to refer me to. She proceeded to tell him about my email and said she'd be sending me his way. Is that not at God thing?! I don't think it's a coincidence. So I met with this other oncologist at UT Southwestern in Dallas. He echoed in her same sentiments that it would probably be okay to attempt a pregnancy after at least 2 years. His words to me were "Well no one wants to get breast cancer, but if you're going to get it, you had the best case scenario". Again, more hope. 

In addition, my gynecological oncologist admitted to me she could not give me any answers regarding fertility {as it is not her expertise}. She agreed to put in a call to an OBGYN at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital in New York. His expertise is women with the BRCA mutation & pregnancy. She presented my case to him and his advice was to wait 2 years, but that I was probably ok to carry a pregnancy. His recommendation was to meet with an RE to discuss the best way to attempt to get pregnant.

This led to a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist to look into my current fertility situation after having been through chemo. Apparently my body is nothing short of a medical miracle because after every test was run and every procedure done, I am in complete working order to get pregnant. Everything is working just fine!

So the bottom line is: it's not a question of CAN I get pregnant, I can. It is more a concern of taking the {unknown} risk of carrying a pregnancy and what that could mean for a future recurrence of cancer. Unfortunately that is where I fall into a gray area-- there is little to no research for my circumstances. 

That's where faith steps in and takes over:

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

-Hebrews 11:1 

Month 9: Hope

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks" -- Jack Penn

The past month has been a very eye-opening one. I had a random stranger contact me, via a mutual friend, because she was 29 yrs old and had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She'd been led to my blog and was reading up on all that she'd need to know. I cried while reading her email to me, and all I could say in my head was "Thank you, God". Thank you for bringing her to me. Thank you for showing me that this is what my journey was all about -- helping others through their own battle. She's no longer a random stranger, she's a new sister to me, and I am so blessed to be able to give her hope her through her journey.

About this time last year I was told that I could not preserve my fertility and I should not ever try for another pregnancy. At that time I was running on adrenaline and fumes and had no decision making abilities left in my head or heart. So I just went with the flow. Well now that that battle has been won and is long over, I am now focusing on overcoming another obstacle: having another baby. If you know me, you know how persistent I am; I don't take no for an answer. I have spent the past few months researching, educating myself, and reaching out to experts/specialists/doctors to seek advice for my future. I have received A LOT of positive information and encouragement. Hope that I can - and hopefully will - someday have another child of my own. It is actually less risky that what was originally presented to me; however there is definitely still a small risk in becoming pregnant. But I have renewed hope in this process through all that I have learned. I truly believe that God is now leading me faithfully through another journey so that I may continue to trust in Him and His plan. I have no idea what the end of this will look like, but I know that He will guide us through it just like He has once before.

And of course I have to update my hair -- 9 months post chemo. It is now finally long enough to highlight (with foil!) Trivial, I know. But exciting to me nonetheless! It is starting to look more like an intentional haircut - albeit a "mini bob", but it is definitely feeling more & more normal to me!

And just to top this month off, I love the fortune from my fortune cookie tonight. It pretty much sums up what my {new} journey is all about. I refuse to back down until every door is otherwise shut! I will keep fighting!

Month 8: the "new" me

With my 30th birthday approaching soon, it feels good to feel like a "new" version of myself. I'm finally feeling more confident with my hair thanks to a cute, spunky new style. It actually looks like an intentional hair-cut/style instead of  the "post-chemo-growth-fuzz-mess".

(excuse the no make-up)

I am still taking my AG Pro vitamins like crazy-- it's 6 pills a day. So surely they're doing some good with this hair growth!  I'm really hoping that by the time February 20 rolls around (the day I shaved my head) I will have a cute bob style! I can't wait.

And to go with my cute new hair style/celebrate my 1 year "cancerversary"/and 30th birthday, I recently purchased some Frye boots and I absolutely love them! Bought new, they're worth a pretty penny, but I lucked out and found a 1970s vintage pair -in excellent condition- on Etsy! The Gisela & Zoe Vintage Shop has some amazing vintage clothing at awesome prices. I even got this adorable polka dot blouse from them too. Check out their clothes, you won't be disappointed!

The "new" me has also found hope again, thanks to some amazing doctors who have listened to my case and given me their expertise. I've been seeking out second opinions about my future treatment & care and have received a lot of positive feedback. I'm not sure I'm ready to share all of it yet, as I'm still sorting through all of it and praying about it. But it sure is awesome to have hope in the future again, something I haven't felt in quite a long while.

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from Him. 

 He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken."

Psalm 62:5-6

Happy Birthday to my blog!

In keeping with my theme of one-year "anniversaries", one year ago today is when I first started this blog. I had no idea what I was doing, how much I planned to share, or if I'd even continue to update during my treatment. I just wanted everyone to know the facts as we learned them, and I knew we couldn't do it alone. We needed the love, prayers, and support from our loved ones and thanks be to God, we humbly received them.

Thank you to everyone, those we know, and those who are complete strangers, for reading my blog for the past year; for all the comments, "likes", and support.

And all I have to say is I am SO GLAD November is over! Hallelujah I survived it. And guess what, the battle year of 2012 is almost over too. In just a few weeks it will be a brand new year with brand new promises. Plus, my 30th birthday is in just a few days. I've never know another person so excited to turn 30-- I can't wait to see what awesome blessings are in store for a new decade!

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
Psalm 16:11

Cancer-versary

I find it so ironic that some days I can barely remember what I ate for lunch, yet I can remember the exact moments &  precise details of other certain days. November 23, 2011, the day I was diagnosed, is one of those days. I remember it clearly as if it literally happened yesterday. The brain is funny like that; holding on to traumatic memories for reasons I'll never understand.

That day started out so innocent & fun -- it was "spouse simulator day" at my husband's work. He had the day off and I got to be the one to wear the flight suit into work and play in the flight simulator with other spouses. We had such a great time! 

  

A few days prior I'd had my breast biopsy done and was anxiously waiting for the doctor's office to call with my results.  When I got out of the simulator (we had to turn our phones off), I had a missed call from the doctor. I hurriedly called them back thinking I'd receive my "all clear". Instead, the receptionist said "Oh I was just calling to remind you of your follow up appointment." Gee thanks! I told her I needed to know my biopsy results and she replied "The doctor will be calling you with those". In that moment, I knew. My heart sank and my stomach dropped. I was immediately nauseous. Why would the doctor have to call me himself if it wasn't bad news?

Hours went by, I prayed, I still felt sick, I was scared and anxious. 5:00 came and went with no call from my doctor. Thanksgiving was the next day; was he really going to leave me hanging over the long holiday weekend?! At 5:30 my phone rang and it was him. He apologized for the late call, but said that he wanted to finish up his day's work before he called me so he could give me his undivided attention. He then said "Well I'm very glad we decided to biopsy it. What you have is indeed a small breast cancer tumor". All I remember after that was everything going hazy. Cancer?! Cancer. My worst fear in life had been confirmed. I felt like I was falling, like the ground was yanked out from underneath me. I couldn't talk or listen after that, and my doctor could tell I was losing it. He asked to speak to someone else so I handed the phone to my husband and cried out with all my might "I have cancer!". And then I fell on the floor in a crying mess. He spoke to the doctor and got all the details because I was in no shape to understand anything at that point.  I remember that I just wanted to disappear; I wanted everything bad to just magically go away. I couldn't believe this was MY life and it was happening to ME. It was so surreal like a horrible nightmarish dream. 

Later that night after the fog had lifted, I spent hours googling breast cancer. I had no idea what I was facing and as a Type A Planner, I needed to know. I wanted details. I wanted a plan. Even though there was still so much uncertainty about my diagnosis, it gave me comfort to learn more about what I was up against. And boy did I learn. [There is a lot to learn about breast cancer!] I felt better after doing my research and made a decision that night to fight this with every fiber of my being. I distinctly remember saying to my husband "I don't know why this is happening to me, and maybe I never will, but I know that one day I will pay it forward to another young mom who is in my shoes. Maybe that's why God is preparing me for this battle". And I still firmly believe that a year later. We agreed to fight together, for our family, and for our future. And fight we did.

It's been a crazy year -- I've literally been to hell, and back. And now that I'm back, I'm better than ever: cancer free and in the best shape/health of my life! I still feel a little angry when I think about the things that cancer robbed me of, but I think a small fire burning deep in your gut is good for your soul. It reminds me that I fought for my life and with no intentions of backing down. It also reminds me that I beat it, and leaves me with a kind of "take that, cancer!" type of attitude. If you know me, you know that is totally my personality ;)

So today, there were no tears. Sorry breast cancer, but I've cried way too many tears over your lousy existence. Today is a day of celebration; a day of happiness & health. It marks an entire year of inner strength I never knew I had. We enjoyed a beautiful day as a family and then the hubby and I had a fabulous date night to celebrate what a momentous journey we've overcome together!

 

Of all the scripture verses that got me through the past year, this one in particular is my favorite. Even through my suffering, God offered up troubled grace which led me through my battle. And not only did He help me overcome it, but He's restored my soul and renewed my faith along the way. All the glory be to Him!

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 

-1Peter 5:10

*The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you*

11/11/11

I remember thinking it was pretty neat that I would be having our first ultrasound on 11/11/11 -- sounds like a cool date. I'm not a very superstitious person but I felt like it had to be a good sign for things to come. That morning I posted this Bible verse as my Facebook status:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

Little did I know then just how much impact that one verse would have on me after that day. I simply posted it because we thought we were going to an ultrasound to be told we were having twins. My husband and I were trying to prepare our hearts for any possibility of what was to come; and it's a good thing we did.

After the events of that day tragically unfolded, I remember thinking back to that verse I posted. I felt so silly and ignorant because earlier I had intended for it to bring me joy & comfort. Yet there I was lying in a hospital bed pleading with God to let this day be the worst day ever: please let it get better from here on out. But it never did.

I've struggled with the nagging question of "why did this happen?" Why would God take our baby that we so desperately wanted and tried for for over a year to conceive? I know I'll never have an answer, but I realize now that it's my duty to faithfully trust that it is all part of His plan. I've found comfort in this verse as it has helped me deal with the "why" of the situation:

  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

-Phil. 4:7

God has continually blanketed me with peace throughout this entire journey. Although I will never understand his ways or understandings, his abounding peace & grace override it all. Everything will be ok in the end because He is in control.

I was once angry with God for allowing our baby to be taken. But over the course of the events of the past year, I've learned that Jeremiah 29:11 has become my backbone. It now gives me hope that He has not forgotten about me, or the baby I so desperately want. I trust that after all I have endured, He WILL be good & faithful. A blessing will come out of it at some point, and eventually His plan will be unveiled to me. It's a lot to process and has taken me a long time to faithfully come to this conclusion.

This particular song, "You Are" by Colton Dixon, speaks straight to my heart about my grief. It gives all the glory to God and all that He is and does. And the honest, painful truth is that no matter how upset I was with Him, or my circumstace, He is still good. He does provide me with hope for my future; I just have to believe it and embrace it.

 

 "You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed"

[My favorite lines of this song]

We'll never know the gender of the sweet baby we lost, but after much consideration, we decided to name it Sam. Having saved my life and made the ultimate sacrifice, it seemed fitting to name the child we lost and give it an identity. Not only is Sam a gender neutral name, but most importantly it represents the verse I prayed over for so many months as we were trying to conceive.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 

-1Sam. 1:27

Today my daughter and I went to buy a balloon to send to the baby in Heaven on its homecoming anniversary. I asked her if she thought it was a boy or girl, and she said boy. So she joyfully picked out a blue balloon to send to the baby Sam. I asked her what she wanted to write on the card attached to the balloon and she decided on "Baby's Balloon". Sweet & simple. She then asked if God would open Heaven's gate to let the balloon in for the baby.  

 *A huge thank you to my beautiful friend Hope for capturing this precious moment for us!*

We sure do miss you, Baby Sam, and we hope you liked your beautiful balloon. We desperately long to hold you here on Earth but we know Jesus is taking good care of you, and we can't wait to be reunited with you again one day in Heaven.  

Love,

Mommy