a bittersweet day

Whew. Today I am OFFICIALLY done with chemo! Even though I had my 4th treatment on Monday, I've had to go back for IV fluids and was not done with those until today. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was to have that IV pulled out for the last time. I barely made it to my car before I dissolved into a heap of tears. I sat in my car and cried sobs of thanksgiving to God for getting me through these past few months. It was so relieving to thank Him all at once for all he's done; for protecting me, and for giving me strength. I felt like such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Today not only marks the end of my chemo treatments, but it is exactly 5 months since we lost our sweet baby on November 11. I find it ironic and oh-so bittersweet that I've come full circle in such a short amount of time, yet it feels like it took en epic journey to finally arrive here. It is eerie, yet comforting that it is 5 months to the day; I'd like to think of it as a celebration to that precious baby that sacrificed its life so that I could fight this battle. Your mommy fought strong & hard for you, sweet little one, and I can't wait to rejoice with you one day in Heaven.

In the midst of this emotional upheaval & turmoil, I felt such comfort in my daily Jesus Calling devotional this morning:
This is the day that I have made. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin the day with open hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief portion of your life. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees me to work my ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it.

To find Joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant life in my presence today.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14 


So where do I go from here? My battle is far from over: countless follow up appointments, blood-work, monitoring, and more surgeries. I hope & pray that the worst is behind us now and I desperately look forward to rebuilding my life and finding myself again. (Oh, and my hair growing back too!)

In the meantime I plan to savor all my time with my precious family, especially this sweet face that God has so perfectly blessed me with: