“Dear God, please bring us a healthy
baby girl”
That’s the prayer my sweet little
girl has been praying every night, for the past year. She is so set on having a
baby sister that she has developed into such a strong prayer warrior during this process. However, just last week her prayer turned into this:
‘DEAR GOD, PLEASE BRING US A HEALTHY
BABY GIRL!”
When I asked her why in the world she felt the need to yell her prayer, she said “Mommy because we don’t have our baby yet, maybe God can’t hear me”. It was in that moment I knew I needed to teach her about Faith. What a beautiful opportunity it was for me to introduce such a mature topic to such a sweet little heart.
It’s no secret that our journey for another baby has been a tough one. And since I’ve shared every other personal
detail about it, I figured I shouldn’t stop now. This is such a taboo subject
in the field of medicine (& cancer research) right now, that I am all about
spreading the knowledge. There are thousands of other young 20 and 30-something
women out there who right now, recently diagnosed with breast cancer, who have
not yet started their family, or have not yet completed their family. This
needs to be discussed! And researched! {If you or someone you know is struggling with this after a cancer diagnosis, please let them know they aren't alone. This is why I share my story.}
The truth is, there is no standard
protocol for a situation like mine. Doctors are unsure what to tell patients
like me because young women aren’t supposed to get breast cancer. (But we do) The
problem with young women wanting to get pregnant after having breast cancer is
that most breast cancer is fueled by estrogen—a hormone that reaches very high
levels during pregnancy. Even after someone’s breast cancer is “cured”, it
still has a chance of returning later in life. Survivors typically take very
careful steps to try and prevent recurrence.
One of the most common ways of long-term treatment is a drug called Tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen from binding to cancer cells and growing a tumor. I, like most patients, was instructed to take this medication daily for the next 5 years. But some women who choose to attempt pregnancy are allowed to stop the medication at 2 years, then resume it after a potential pregnancy. I am extremely fortunate to be in the small percentage of breast cancer survivors who fall into this category because my cancer was caught very early. So I have spent the last 2 years fervently researching this, although it is still a very scarce subject. I’ve reached out to doctors at Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Memorial Sloan Kettering and other prestigious institutions. Every single doctor I’ve spoken to has given me the green light to proceed. However I should also add that this decision is not right for everyone. It is extremely personal and a lot of thought and prayer has been put into this process.
One of the most common ways of long-term treatment is a drug called Tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen from binding to cancer cells and growing a tumor. I, like most patients, was instructed to take this medication daily for the next 5 years. But some women who choose to attempt pregnancy are allowed to stop the medication at 2 years, then resume it after a potential pregnancy. I am extremely fortunate to be in the small percentage of breast cancer survivors who fall into this category because my cancer was caught very early. So I have spent the last 2 years fervently researching this, although it is still a very scarce subject. I’ve reached out to doctors at Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Memorial Sloan Kettering and other prestigious institutions. Every single doctor I’ve spoken to has given me the green light to proceed. However I should also add that this decision is not right for everyone. It is extremely personal and a lot of thought and prayer has been put into this process.
I’ve felt the nudge of God all along
the way, giving me grace & strength to keep this fire burning in my heart. I
made a promise to myself that the first doctor to tell me "no" would be my sign
to close the door on this endeavor. But that never happened. I’ve prayed that
God would show me the way and that His will be done. He has led me to this
point, and I am ready. I’m ready to take the next beautiful step in this
otherwise messy journey.
"Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"
Hebrews 11:1
So I am officially done taking the
Tamoxifen for the time being. It is a very exciting, yet also very scary
milestone. The bottom line, medically, is that I am taking a huge risk in doing
this. However, because there is no medical data on this subject, no one knows exactly
what the risk is. I am literally talking a blind leap of faith and walking into
uncharted waters. My cancer could come back due to a pregnancy, or simply from
being off the Tamoxifen. And because I had a mastectomy and have no breast
tissue, the cancer would then come back in the bones, as stage 4. And there is
no cure for stage 4. As morbid & scary as that sounds, these are the odds I’ve
had to weigh while making this decision. There is also a very real possibility that I cannot get pregnant and all of this will be for nothing. I've prayed to prepare my heart to be able to accept that as an outcome too.
But that is where faith steps in; God
has never left my side during this entire journey. I’ve felt so empowered and
supported this entire time. Sure I have doubts, but mainly I feel excited. I’m so
ready to move into this next chapter with confidence, regardless of how great
the unknowns are. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but I think God has truly
been teaching me patience during the last few years. (Says the most impatient
person in the world). He’s been testing me in ways I never knew I could be
tested and I think it’s taught me a lot about myself and my faith. My head is
so full of knowledge and my heart full of faith. Whatever happens is God’s will
for my life, and I can’t wait to for this next chapter to play out, whatever it
may be. I know God has something great in store for our family.
