half-way done!

Today was my last day of IV fluids for Round 2 of chemo -- so I am officially half-way done with my 4 treatments!

I will say the one thing that was "nice" this time around was knowing what to expect. Things were not as scary as the first round and I was much more relaxed. Thank you Lord for calming my anxiety!!

Who says you can't look cute at chemo?! :)

Just like last time, we had wonderful friends bring us lunch & other treats. It is so amazing to feel loved and supported by so many people! I even got some awesome pink highlights in my wig from my hair stylist. She's the best!

And now my poor arm is recovering from 3 straight days of having an IV in it :( It is rejoicing being "free" for the next 2.5 weeks until my next round!

So far so good for Round 2. As always, they tell you to expect to feel "icky" by Fri/Sat {but then again that is what the IV fluids are supposed to prevent!} Hoping for a great response this time just like the first round. I feel more tired but nothing extreme or awful; and for that I am so thankful! 


Today my daily devotional from my Jesus Calling app was simply amazing. I feel like it is always exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thank you God for always speaking directly to me!

You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
-Psalm 119:105 

hair pt. 2 {my daughter}

Most of my anxiety about shaving my head/losing my hair was about how my daughter would take it. She's 2.5 which I know is still very young, but she is a lil too smart for her own good. I tend to over worry (yes, I'm that extreme) about her lil psyche in every aspect of her life : taking away the paci, potty training, Daddy deploying, etc. I'm always concerned about how she'll cope with transitions and how to best keep her routine the same. Getting diagnosed with cancer was the most heart wrenching thing in my life; not for me, but for my concern for my daughter. Would she now get it too? How would she cope with me coping? Would she be scared? How would her behavior change? I have worried way more about HER than I have myself through this entire process. But from that day on, I vowed to keep everything the same as possible for her so as not to disrupt her life any more than was necessary.

In many ways my infertility struggle was a blessing; she has been so used to "mommy's going to the doctor" for over a year now. Add in 3 surgeries in 3 months and she's now completely comfortable and familiar with the hospital too. What an unanticipated blessing! She's handled all of that so well and I couldn't be more thankful for how she's coped thus far. For the most part we've just been telling her that Mommy's sick and the doctors are helping her to get better and she's been fine with that explanation.

When my hair started falling out I decided it was time to talk to her about it. Luckily my dear friend Emily gifted me with this amazing book:

It really is the most adorable book ever and details how the mommy loses her hair from cancer. However, we haven't even used the word "cancer" with her because that's a lil too deep. And we don't want to tell her the medicine is making my hair fall out because we do not want her to be afraid of medicine from now on. We taught her the word "bald" and talked about how Mommy would now be bald like her baby doll. She seemed to enjoy/understand somewhat the book but kept asking "Where'd her hair go?!" over and over. She was clearly concerned that the mommy was bald but she just had to know WHERE it was. 

So as my own hair started coming out, I put some in a baggie to physically show her where my hair was. We collected quite a bit of it and I kept telling her "This is where Mommy's hair is because it's coming out". She seemed pretty content at that! 

When I finally shaved it, I came home with a wig on and we again read the book and discussed it. I then took my wig off to show her my bald head. I had tears in my eyes as I was showing her, but she just look at me wide-eyed and kinda giggled. She said "Mommy's hair is bald!" and went on about her way! I had to wipe those tears away quick because clearly this was not a sad moment; her strength became my strength! I was dumbfounded. Here I had been overcome with anxiety about this entire thing, and my child laughs because she was not bothered by it! Oh how I love her; I'm amazed daily by her loving heart and sweet & innocent resiliency. She really likes to rub my "soft hair" aka my bald head, and she gets concerned when I cover it up with wigs or hats. For some reason she likes to see it at all times! 

Here we are in our darling matching caps -- thank you Emily! She was so excited that we matched & she has one of her own :) 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

my hair {or lack thereof!}

The past week has been very difficult emotionally; I've felt on edge just waiting for my hair to fall out. What a terrible thing to have to anticipate! And even though I prayed for it so hard every night, my poor hair still could not withstand the effects of Taxotere. It started coming out on Saturday and by today it was just too much to take. Surprisingly I wasn't that upset about it; it was more annoying than anything else. I guess the good news is that it means the chemo is doing its job by killing off any cancer cells. My Dr refers to chemo as "dumb drugs" -- they kill the bad but also accidentally kill the good (aka, my poor hair cells).

I started thinking about the inevitable -- shaving my head. I knew it was coming and I'd simply have to decide when. Then I started thinking about being bald, and the fact that even as a newborn baby, I was NEVER bald. I came out with a full head of hair, and have never looked back since. I've never known anything but lots of hair!

hours old as a newborn

2nd grade

6th grade

my wedding day

teacher Anne

mommy Anne

Even though it was against everything I've ever know,  a few days after my first chemo, I had my hair stylist cut my hair. She chopped off a good 6 inches or so! We did this in anticipation of my impending hair loss and I'm so glad we did.  It definitely made things a lot easier (& less messy) when it finally did start coming out.I actually kind of loved this short & sassy look! So sad that it was so short-lived.

Tonight I decided I'd had enough of the shedding and my dear friend Christy agreed to shave my head. It was time. I still can't believe that I have no hair; I don't think I look like the same person at all -- in fact I feel pretty ugly. I already miss my hair so much.

I can't believe I'm actually posting this picture for the entire world to see, but in a way it's liberating. So here I am, in all my bald glory:

yep, my dear hubby shaved his too!

I'm not a huge fan of the baldness, so this will probably be the only picture ever I take of it! I can't wait to wear my new wigs and feel/look somewhat "normal" again. I also can't wait for about a year from now, when I can embrace my beautiful, long locks again!

To quote the amazing Ashley of Lil Blue Boo: 

 "I've let go of fear and anxiety ... now I can let go of vanity"

Stronger

I don't think it's a coincidence that Kelly Clarkson's new song "Stronger" came out at the same time I was diagnosed. I'd be lying if I said I didn't crank this song up and sing it at the top of my lungs when it comes on the radio while I'm driving. It's a PERFECT description of how I feel lately, and gives me renewed strength to belt it out loud & clear! It may or may not be my new ring tone :)
(I realize the song is about her boyfriend leaving her, but really, I translate it to me kicking cancer's ass!)

 You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Really, I'm fine!

Well I survived the past week from chemo; and really, I'm fine! Seriously! Last week was life as normal: cooking dinner, cleaning house, running errands, chasing my 2 year old. I wouldn't have had it any other way; I refuse to let this ruin my life! Chemo can't keep this mama down.

A lot of people have been so anxious, thinking I've been hugging the toilet for the past week. The truth is I haven't felt one second of nausea! Thank you God! I've had a few random, mild side-effects but they're from the side-effect medication. How's that for irony? But even though the steroid has made me feel a lil weird, I'd much rather have that than awful life-halting chemo symptoms.

Today I had blood work done and my oncologist was very pleased with all my levels. My white count is good, so my immune system isn't compromised. My platelets are normal, so my bone marrow is still working well. He said "You can go out and do anything you want. Eat anything you want. See you in 2 weeks!" Hooray!

Even though my body has been through A LOT in the past few months (heck, even the past year), I am still continually amazed by it. So many times recently I've caught myself being bitter and upset, thinking "why is my body failing me?! I've taken such good care of it!" But knowing how hard it's working now, I will think twice about complaining about my body again. It is because of this mysterious, awesome gift of flesh from God that I am able to overcome this now. Thank you Lord for blessing me each & every day!

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD"

Jeremiah 30:17

Giuliana

If you haven't been following Giuliana Rancic's breast cancer diagnosis story, you must check it out from the beginning here.  And then after that you must check out her uplifting website Fab Fit Fun for uplifting & healthy life tips!

Even though we lead two completely different lives, I've felt like Giuliana and I are kindred souls to be going through what we've endured in the same time frame recently. We were both battling infertility, subsequently lost a baby, and were then both diagnosed within weeks of each other. She had her double mastectomy surgery on Dec 13, mine was on Dec 28.

What an inspiration she has been to me, just seeing someone so strong going through a very emotional & vulnerable time in the public eye. Her grace amazes me and I am incredibly encouraged by strong will to keep going. (Just the fact that she returned to work on the Red Carpet weeks later & looked AH-MAZING was shocking to me!)  She gave me hope that if she could recover so quickly, then I could too!

Needless to say I'd give anything to be put in touch with Giuliana and be her best friend :) Well my BFF Desiree took that to the next step for me. She attended a taping of Giuliana's show The Fashion Police in Hollywood a few weeks ago, in hopes of talking to her after the show. Leave it to Desiree to hang around after taping finished so she could meet Giuliana for me! She spoke to her for a while and told her all about my story; plus gave her my blog info! I was so bummed I could not be there in person too, but this was the next best thing. And here's the picture they took together for me :)

Thank you, Giuliana, for taking the time to speak to Desiree & hear my story! It meant the world to me to know that you cared! :) More than anything else, just the fact that she told Desiree, "You tell Anne that everything is going to be OK. She's going to be just fine!" It completely warmed my heart to have another survivor and fellow sister in this journey share her encouragement.

And if anyone ever feels compelled to donate to breast cancer, Bright Pink is a wonderful organization targeted for YOUNG women with breast & ovarian cancer. It is where all of the money from my tshirt proceeds will be donated!

Anne: 1, Chemo: 0

Well round 1 of chemo is in the books! Although I've been told I probably won't be feeling its side effects until well into the weekend. So in the meantime,  tomorrow will include a Neulasta (bone-marrow-maker injection), some IV fluids, and a bunch of steroids should keep me feeling well!

The day started with some lab work, and a quick visit to my oncologist who answered some last minute questions and prayed with me. (Have I mentioned how much I love him?!) Then it was down to the oncology lab to find my seat in an awesome, rickety 1987 recliner. At least they brought me some warm blankets. And it's a good thing I have some awesome friends who also gifted me with amazing blankets, because let's face it, they are way cuter & warmer ;)

1 round down, 3 more to go!

 

 starting the drugs - this was the Taxotere. I was thanking God for no horrible reaction!

  

I have the BEST hair stylist in the world - she just happens to be an amazing friend too :) She came by to bring me a vanilla latte & some cake pops. Starbucks makes ANY day into a great day!

Sweet Andy stayed by my side the entire day. He was especially helpful when they couldn't find, and then blew, my vein. (I don't have a port). I think I may have squeezed the feeling out of his hand while they continually dug for a vein to use. Ugh. We'd planned on being there for 6 hours and packed like it'd be a weekend; I'm sure the nurses were secretly laughing at us. Turns out we were only there for about 4 hours total and it went by so quickly. I think it helped to have 3 visitors - a sweet cancer friend named Nancy brought me an ELECTRIC blanket! :), Hillary brought Starbucks, and Leigh, our pastor's wife, brought us lunch. We felt so blessed to have wonderful friends taking care of us! Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers too - they were all felt and make the day much easier to process!

 And this lil stinker loved celebrating dinner out tonight. I was feeling great so we decided to eat good meal while I could handle it.

"The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ -eternal and glorious plans they are!- will have you put together and on your feet for good"

1Peter 5:10

emotional hurricane

I feel like in the past week all of my emotions were thrown into a roaring hurricane that has swirled them all around. I realized that the strength I thought I was feeling was actually numbness that had taken over the day I was diagnosed. All of the emotions of the past 2 months have just bounced right off of me, until now. It's too much to process in a day, a week, or a month. I've finally accepted that it's going to take me a long time to embrace them all.

Right now I'm just angry. I should be scheduling the "big" ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby we were so excited to welcome. But instead I'm left empty, preparing myself mentally to start chemo. Tomorrow I'll sit in a huge, cold room for 6 hours and let poison poor slowly into my body. I feel so helpless knowing it will ruin my reproductive system with no chance to save it. I'm trying to figure out how to cherish the next few weeks before my hair falls out; my hair that (physically) defines me who I am. How do you prepare yourself to lose that? How do I explain to my 2 year old daughter what is happening to me, all while not scaring her that hers will fall out too? I'm still not quite sure. I'm angry & hurt that my life has come down to this; during what is supposed to be the "best years of our lives". These days, most days, I feel like I'm drifting through a twilight zone like none of this is really happening to me; but tomorrow, chemo will be real.

It's good to go into battle angry, right? It makes the fight all the more worth it and powerful. I'm ready. Let's do this, and put it behind me; because I'm tired of it taking up all of my emotions - emotions I'd much rather be putting towards other things in my life!

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed". 

1Peter 4:12-13