That day started out so innocent & fun -- it was "spouse simulator day" at my husband's work. He had the day off and I got to be the one to wear the flight suit into work and play in the flight simulator with other spouses. We had such a great time!
A few days prior I'd had my breast biopsy done and was anxiously waiting for the doctor's office to call with my results. When I got out of the simulator (we had to turn our phones off), I had a missed call from the doctor. I hurriedly called them back thinking I'd receive my "all clear". Instead, the receptionist said "Oh I was just calling to remind you of your follow up appointment." Gee thanks! I told her I needed to know my biopsy results and she replied "The doctor will be calling you with those". In that moment, I knew. My heart sank and my stomach dropped. I was immediately nauseous. Why would the doctor have to call me himself if it wasn't bad news?
Hours went by, I prayed, I still felt sick, I was scared and anxious. 5:00 came and went with no call from my doctor. Thanksgiving was the next day; was he really going to leave me hanging over the long holiday weekend?! At 5:30 my phone rang and it was him. He apologized for the late call, but said that he wanted to finish up his day's work before he called me so he could give me his undivided attention. He then said "Well I'm very glad we decided to biopsy it. What you have is indeed a small breast cancer tumor". All I remember after that was everything going hazy. Cancer?! Cancer. My worst fear in life had been confirmed. I felt like I was falling, like the ground was yanked out from underneath me. I couldn't talk or listen after that, and my doctor could tell I was losing it. He asked to speak to someone else so I handed the phone to my husband and cried out with all my might "I have cancer!". And then I fell on the floor in a crying mess. He spoke to the doctor and got all the details because I was in no shape to understand anything at that point. I remember that I just wanted to disappear; I wanted everything bad to just magically go away. I couldn't believe this was MY life and it was happening to ME. It was so surreal like a horrible nightmarish dream.
Hours went by, I prayed, I still felt sick, I was scared and anxious. 5:00 came and went with no call from my doctor. Thanksgiving was the next day; was he really going to leave me hanging over the long holiday weekend?! At 5:30 my phone rang and it was him. He apologized for the late call, but said that he wanted to finish up his day's work before he called me so he could give me his undivided attention. He then said "Well I'm very glad we decided to biopsy it. What you have is indeed a small breast cancer tumor". All I remember after that was everything going hazy. Cancer?! Cancer. My worst fear in life had been confirmed. I felt like I was falling, like the ground was yanked out from underneath me. I couldn't talk or listen after that, and my doctor could tell I was losing it. He asked to speak to someone else so I handed the phone to my husband and cried out with all my might "I have cancer!". And then I fell on the floor in a crying mess. He spoke to the doctor and got all the details because I was in no shape to understand anything at that point. I remember that I just wanted to disappear; I wanted everything bad to just magically go away. I couldn't believe this was MY life and it was happening to ME. It was so surreal like a horrible nightmarish dream.
Later that night after the fog had lifted, I spent hours googling breast cancer. I had no idea what I was facing and as a Type A Planner, I needed to know. I wanted details. I wanted a plan. Even though there was still so much uncertainty about my diagnosis, it gave me comfort to learn more about what I was up against. And boy did I learn. [There is a lot to learn about breast cancer!] I felt better after doing my research and made a decision that night to fight this with every fiber of my being. I distinctly remember saying to my husband "I don't know why this is happening to me, and maybe I never will, but I know that one day I will pay it forward to another young mom who is in my shoes. Maybe that's why God is preparing me for this battle". And I still firmly believe that a year later. We agreed to fight together, for our family, and for our future. And fight we did.
It's been a crazy year -- I've literally been to hell, and back. And now that I'm back, I'm better than ever: cancer free and in the best shape/health of my life! I still feel a little angry when I think about the things that cancer robbed me of, but I think a small fire burning deep in your gut is good for your soul. It reminds me that I fought for my life and with no intentions of backing down. It also reminds me that I beat it, and leaves me with a kind of "take that, cancer!" type of attitude. If you know me, you know that is totally my personality ;)
So today, there were no tears. Sorry breast cancer, but I've cried way too many tears over your lousy existence. Today is a day of celebration; a day of happiness & health. It marks an entire year of inner strength I never knew I had. We enjoyed a beautiful day as a family and then the hubby and I had a fabulous date night to celebrate what a momentous journey we've overcome together!
Of all the scripture verses that got me through the past year, this one in particular is my favorite. Even through my suffering, God offered up troubled grace which led me through my battle. And not only did He help me overcome it, but He's restored my soul and renewed my faith along the way. All the glory be to Him!
"And
after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has
called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore,
confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
-1Peter 5:10
*The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you*
