Cancer-versary

I find it so ironic that some days I can barely remember what I ate for lunch, yet I can remember the exact moments &  precise details of other certain days. November 23, 2011, the day I was diagnosed, is one of those days. I remember it clearly as if it literally happened yesterday. The brain is funny like that; holding on to traumatic memories for reasons I'll never understand.

That day started out so innocent & fun -- it was "spouse simulator day" at my husband's work. He had the day off and I got to be the one to wear the flight suit into work and play in the flight simulator with other spouses. We had such a great time! 

  

A few days prior I'd had my breast biopsy done and was anxiously waiting for the doctor's office to call with my results.  When I got out of the simulator (we had to turn our phones off), I had a missed call from the doctor. I hurriedly called them back thinking I'd receive my "all clear". Instead, the receptionist said "Oh I was just calling to remind you of your follow up appointment." Gee thanks! I told her I needed to know my biopsy results and she replied "The doctor will be calling you with those". In that moment, I knew. My heart sank and my stomach dropped. I was immediately nauseous. Why would the doctor have to call me himself if it wasn't bad news?

Hours went by, I prayed, I still felt sick, I was scared and anxious. 5:00 came and went with no call from my doctor. Thanksgiving was the next day; was he really going to leave me hanging over the long holiday weekend?! At 5:30 my phone rang and it was him. He apologized for the late call, but said that he wanted to finish up his day's work before he called me so he could give me his undivided attention. He then said "Well I'm very glad we decided to biopsy it. What you have is indeed a small breast cancer tumor". All I remember after that was everything going hazy. Cancer?! Cancer. My worst fear in life had been confirmed. I felt like I was falling, like the ground was yanked out from underneath me. I couldn't talk or listen after that, and my doctor could tell I was losing it. He asked to speak to someone else so I handed the phone to my husband and cried out with all my might "I have cancer!". And then I fell on the floor in a crying mess. He spoke to the doctor and got all the details because I was in no shape to understand anything at that point.  I remember that I just wanted to disappear; I wanted everything bad to just magically go away. I couldn't believe this was MY life and it was happening to ME. It was so surreal like a horrible nightmarish dream. 

Later that night after the fog had lifted, I spent hours googling breast cancer. I had no idea what I was facing and as a Type A Planner, I needed to know. I wanted details. I wanted a plan. Even though there was still so much uncertainty about my diagnosis, it gave me comfort to learn more about what I was up against. And boy did I learn. [There is a lot to learn about breast cancer!] I felt better after doing my research and made a decision that night to fight this with every fiber of my being. I distinctly remember saying to my husband "I don't know why this is happening to me, and maybe I never will, but I know that one day I will pay it forward to another young mom who is in my shoes. Maybe that's why God is preparing me for this battle". And I still firmly believe that a year later. We agreed to fight together, for our family, and for our future. And fight we did.

It's been a crazy year -- I've literally been to hell, and back. And now that I'm back, I'm better than ever: cancer free and in the best shape/health of my life! I still feel a little angry when I think about the things that cancer robbed me of, but I think a small fire burning deep in your gut is good for your soul. It reminds me that I fought for my life and with no intentions of backing down. It also reminds me that I beat it, and leaves me with a kind of "take that, cancer!" type of attitude. If you know me, you know that is totally my personality ;)

So today, there were no tears. Sorry breast cancer, but I've cried way too many tears over your lousy existence. Today is a day of celebration; a day of happiness & health. It marks an entire year of inner strength I never knew I had. We enjoyed a beautiful day as a family and then the hubby and I had a fabulous date night to celebrate what a momentous journey we've overcome together!

 

Of all the scripture verses that got me through the past year, this one in particular is my favorite. Even through my suffering, God offered up troubled grace which led me through my battle. And not only did He help me overcome it, but He's restored my soul and renewed my faith along the way. All the glory be to Him!

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 

-1Peter 5:10

*The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you*

11/11/11

I remember thinking it was pretty neat that I would be having our first ultrasound on 11/11/11 -- sounds like a cool date. I'm not a very superstitious person but I felt like it had to be a good sign for things to come. That morning I posted this Bible verse as my Facebook status:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

Little did I know then just how much impact that one verse would have on me after that day. I simply posted it because we thought we were going to an ultrasound to be told we were having twins. My husband and I were trying to prepare our hearts for any possibility of what was to come; and it's a good thing we did.

After the events of that day tragically unfolded, I remember thinking back to that verse I posted. I felt so silly and ignorant because earlier I had intended for it to bring me joy & comfort. Yet there I was lying in a hospital bed pleading with God to let this day be the worst day ever: please let it get better from here on out. But it never did.

I've struggled with the nagging question of "why did this happen?" Why would God take our baby that we so desperately wanted and tried for for over a year to conceive? I know I'll never have an answer, but I realize now that it's my duty to faithfully trust that it is all part of His plan. I've found comfort in this verse as it has helped me deal with the "why" of the situation:

  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

-Phil. 4:7

God has continually blanketed me with peace throughout this entire journey. Although I will never understand his ways or understandings, his abounding peace & grace override it all. Everything will be ok in the end because He is in control.

I was once angry with God for allowing our baby to be taken. But over the course of the events of the past year, I've learned that Jeremiah 29:11 has become my backbone. It now gives me hope that He has not forgotten about me, or the baby I so desperately want. I trust that after all I have endured, He WILL be good & faithful. A blessing will come out of it at some point, and eventually His plan will be unveiled to me. It's a lot to process and has taken me a long time to faithfully come to this conclusion.

This particular song, "You Are" by Colton Dixon, speaks straight to my heart about my grief. It gives all the glory to God and all that He is and does. And the honest, painful truth is that no matter how upset I was with Him, or my circumstace, He is still good. He does provide me with hope for my future; I just have to believe it and embrace it.

 

 "You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed"

[My favorite lines of this song]

We'll never know the gender of the sweet baby we lost, but after much consideration, we decided to name it Sam. Having saved my life and made the ultimate sacrifice, it seemed fitting to name the child we lost and give it an identity. Not only is Sam a gender neutral name, but most importantly it represents the verse I prayed over for so many months as we were trying to conceive.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 

-1Sam. 1:27

Today my daughter and I went to buy a balloon to send to the baby in Heaven on its homecoming anniversary. I asked her if she thought it was a boy or girl, and she said boy. So she joyfully picked out a blue balloon to send to the baby Sam. I asked her what she wanted to write on the card attached to the balloon and she decided on "Baby's Balloon". Sweet & simple. She then asked if God would open Heaven's gate to let the balloon in for the baby.  

 *A huge thank you to my beautiful friend Hope for capturing this precious moment for us!*

We sure do miss you, Baby Sam, and we hope you liked your beautiful balloon. We desperately long to hold you here on Earth but we know Jesus is taking good care of you, and we can't wait to be reunited with you again one day in Heaven.  

Love,

Mommy   

a year ago

Exactly one year ago we had these amazingly beautiful family photographs taken by the fabulous Liz Behm. In this moment, life was perfect. There was no news of cancer, no cares or worries, and I was growing a sweet baby in my belly. Little did we know that just a few short weeks later in November (what ended up being the worst month of my life) that our world would change drastically.  Looking back now, these photos hold so much meaning to me; much more than just the typical family photographs. They capture the joy of the perfect life we were blissfully living. They embody carefree moments of hope & optimism. Oh how I wish I could go back and live in this moment in time forever.

Please bear with me as the next month will be very difficult for me. The anniversaries of losing our baby and my diagnosis are moments that I'm dreading reliving/remembering with ever fiber of my being. But I know it's all part of this healing process that I must fight through. And I will.

Month 6: hair 'dos

It's now been 6 months since I finished chemo. How in the world did half a year fly by so quickly?! 

I had the grand idea to measure how much my hair has grown in that time: it's a whopping 3 inches tall/long! I thought the vitamins I've been taking have worked magic, but it turns out that's typical/average hair growth. (says Wikipedia)

I currently have a tender love/hate relationship with my hair. I LOVE that it's growing out but I hate that it's in this funky in-between stage. {It's about one inch away from being a mullet in the back--eeek!} But I know I have to get through this stage so that it can grow out. In just a few short months I'll have enough hair for an adorable bob and I can't wait for that!

Lucky for me, short hair is all the rage in Hollywood right now. And at least I now have a few options for hair 'dos which is very exciting!

One more picture I have to share from this month. This is a billboard put up by Susan G Komen to promote early detection. It truly does save lives -- it saved mine! I never thought A) I'd be a poster child for anything or B) it'd ever be for breast cancer. But God's a funny man with a clever plan!

60 seconds

What would you do if you had 60 seconds to meet/speak with the person [or celebrity] that you most idolize, respect, and admire? When meeting Giuliana this past weekend, I honestly should've been slightly better prepared, and a lil less emotional, but in the end I have no regrets and I'm SO thankful for this opportunity!

There's no denying my love & admiration for Giuliana, all that she is and all that she represents. She has been my biggest source of inspiration to fight the battle I fought over the past year. I've been determined to meet her and share my story with her, especially after my best friend Desiree met her in February.

Enter my other bestie [and Delta Gamma sorority sister], Ashley. A few months ago Ashley came upon an opportunity to see Giuliana speak at our very own sorority's Lectureship at the University of Oklahoma. We immediately took this as a sign -- this was finally our chance to meet G! Ashley, being the amazing friend that she is, took it upon herself to plan out the entire weekend trip for us. After much dedicated research, we also ended up getting invited to the private reception that took place before Giuliana went on to speak. The excitement has been building for the past few weeks! [Brand new dress: check. Matching blue pumps: check.]

 

 a few of the beautiful OU DGs who helped make this all happen!

G is an honorary Delta Gamma sister!

The ladies of Delta Gamma did not disappoint and the reception was beautiful. Giuliana arrived in a whirlwind of smiles, laughter and cameras recording for 2 of her TV shows. Everyone was allowed to go through a receiving line to briefly meet & greet with her. I knew that I had to tell her about Desiree sharing my story with her to see if she remembered. Looking back now, my adrenaline was so high and I'm not even sure I even told her my name! I just showed her the picture of her & Desiree and told her she'd already heard my story. Immediately her faced changed and she said "I remember you!". I could've cried in that moment. She said "You were about to start chemo, I remember!". And then my heart was so content. I couldn't believe that here we were, nine months later, after all the millions of people she meets on a daily basis, and she remembered ME. She asked how I was doing and was so sympathetic to all that I've been through. I swear I could've sat and talked to her over coffee for hours. But alas I was allowed 1 quick photo with her and we were on our way.

Giuliana's speech at the Lectureship was just as amazing as she is. She spoke to all of the trials & tribulations she's worked to overcome in her life. And boy has she worked. What an awesome example she is of someone who has fought through challenges to get to where she is today. Beyond just beating breast cancer, she has triumphed over so much more and leads her life as a positive example of perseverance and strength. 

 

 photo credit: Courtney Mahon Photography

Even though our conversation was brief, I will never forget our time together and the quick bond we shared. Giuliana was so gracious and down to earth. Beautiful inside just as much as she is outside; her compassionate soul radiated the entire time we spoke. I am forever grateful for this experience-- to Ashley and to my other Delta Gamma sisters for making this happen and including me in it.

The night ended with Giuliana replying to my Tweet to her:

Dreams do come true, even if for a brief 60 seconds -- because those fleeting moments created lasting memories for a lifetime!

pinked out

I have a confession to make. When I was first diagnosed and my friends were trying to be supportive and gift me with breast cancer books, shirts, and other paraphernalia-- I was overwhelmed and annoyed. It got to the point where I didn't want to see ANYTHING pink anymore because it made me sick to my stomach. The truth is I was in complete denial. I didn't want anything to do with pink because I couldn't believe or accept that I was now part of this pinkness.

Funny how my emotions completely changed over such a short time. Since coming out on the other side of this battle, I could not be more proud to wear pink. I sport my pink t-shirts to the gym, to Starbucks, to the grocery store, anywhere people will notice it. I even bought a pair of adorable pink stiletto pumps last week.  

I want everyone to know that I'm proud to have fought this battle and to keep fighting it in honor of those who cannot fight anymore. Life has become more meaningful now since learning to embrace pink and all that it represents.

While this is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I want everyone to know that the awareness spans more than just these 31 days of October. Even though the stores are all selling adorable pink products, I'm not going to get into the debate here about where funding goes or how much of it is actually put towards research. A lot of the money raised in the name of breast cancer is NOT used towards prevention or research; most of the funds are spent on more awareness and marketing campaigns.  So if you don't feel comfortable buying pink but still want to support the cause free-of-charge, then I encourage you to sign up for the Health Of Women study by Dr. Susan Love. I've been a part of this research organization since before I was diagnosed and their studies are legitimate and groundbreaking. This new study is all-encompassing and all it requires of you is to sign up and provide [secure] information about you & your health. 

"The HOW Study is a first-of-its-kind international online study for women and men with and without a history of breast cancer.  We will collect information about your health, your job, your diet, and your family history, among other topics that can help us get a better understanding of breast cancer and its potential causes.  Periodically, we will send you questionnaires about anything and everything. All you have to do is fill them out online. It’s that simple. This is a partnership and we need you for the long haul. The more questionnaires you fill out, the more information we will have that can help us have a better understanding of why women get breast cancer"

If you've always wanted to do something to contribute but weren't sure what to do, this is your opportunity. And who knows, you may help save your own life, or that of someone you love. We all have to work together to help to end this horrible disease. 

Month 5: focusing on myself

If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me "So, are you going back to work now?" then I'd probably have enough money to never have to go back to work! Sure I'm done battling cancer, which was my full-time job. Sure my daughter has started preschool. But it was my plan to stay home from work for many years while I raised our children. Even though cancer came along and robbed me of that plan, I'm now fighting to regain myself once again and form a new plan. For now, the plan is to focus on myself.

It may seem like I was incredibly strong throughout the months I was battling breast cancer. The truth is I didn't feel strong at all; I was running on adrenaline and fumes. Now that the battle is over I feel like I've collapsed and need to gather myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I'd liken it to running a marathon and being exhausted once you cross the finish line (I've never actually run a marathon! I can only imagine) It's time to compose myself again and get my life back on track.

I feel like speaking out about breast cancer and my faith journey is a huge part of what God has called me to do in this season of life. I've done a lot of interviews & articles lately with local newspapers. I've mentored to friends who are worried about "something" they've detected themselves. I've started volunteering with our local Susan G Komen chapter. I hate that I am now the young face of breast cancer, but if I can help others through their diagnosis or educate women my age about breast awareness, then I know I've done priceless, valuable work.

I've also started going to therapy to talk about what we've been through -- so much heartache in such a short year. It truly helps to get guidance on how to process my emotions. God has also been broadcasting straight to my heart recently through a sermon series at church called "Restoration". I've learned that the Lord can and WILL restore the joy that was taken from me. "Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

I'm relying on the faith that led me through this battle to now help me get me back on my feet, and I know it will. I recently read another survivor's blog about how survivorship is a struggle. Her words shook me to my core because they're exactly like how I've been feeling too. I've struggled with feeling like there's a void in my life and how to cope with getting my life back. I've finally realized that the truth is I'm not getting that life back. I have to create a new life plan for myself. A new me, a better me.