a year ago

Exactly one year ago we had these amazingly beautiful family photographs taken by the fabulous Liz Behm. In this moment, life was perfect. There was no news of cancer, no cares or worries, and I was growing a sweet baby in my belly. Little did we know that just a few short weeks later in November (what ended up being the worst month of my life) that our world would change drastically.  Looking back now, these photos hold so much meaning to me; much more than just the typical family photographs. They capture the joy of the perfect life we were blissfully living. They embody carefree moments of hope & optimism. Oh how I wish I could go back and live in this moment in time forever.

Please bear with me as the next month will be very difficult for me. The anniversaries of losing our baby and my diagnosis are moments that I'm dreading reliving/remembering with ever fiber of my being. But I know it's all part of this healing process that I must fight through. And I will.

Month 6: hair 'dos

It's now been 6 months since I finished chemo. How in the world did half a year fly by so quickly?! 

I had the grand idea to measure how much my hair has grown in that time: it's a whopping 3 inches tall/long! I thought the vitamins I've been taking have worked magic, but it turns out that's typical/average hair growth. (says Wikipedia)

I currently have a tender love/hate relationship with my hair. I LOVE that it's growing out but I hate that it's in this funky in-between stage. {It's about one inch away from being a mullet in the back--eeek!} But I know I have to get through this stage so that it can grow out. In just a few short months I'll have enough hair for an adorable bob and I can't wait for that!

Lucky for me, short hair is all the rage in Hollywood right now. And at least I now have a few options for hair 'dos which is very exciting!

One more picture I have to share from this month. This is a billboard put up by Susan G Komen to promote early detection. It truly does save lives -- it saved mine! I never thought A) I'd be a poster child for anything or B) it'd ever be for breast cancer. But God's a funny man with a clever plan!

60 seconds

What would you do if you had 60 seconds to meet/speak with the person [or celebrity] that you most idolize, respect, and admire? When meeting Giuliana this past weekend, I honestly should've been slightly better prepared, and a lil less emotional, but in the end I have no regrets and I'm SO thankful for this opportunity!

There's no denying my love & admiration for Giuliana, all that she is and all that she represents. She has been my biggest source of inspiration to fight the battle I fought over the past year. I've been determined to meet her and share my story with her, especially after my best friend Desiree met her in February.

Enter my other bestie [and Delta Gamma sorority sister], Ashley. A few months ago Ashley came upon an opportunity to see Giuliana speak at our very own sorority's Lectureship at the University of Oklahoma. We immediately took this as a sign -- this was finally our chance to meet G! Ashley, being the amazing friend that she is, took it upon herself to plan out the entire weekend trip for us. After much dedicated research, we also ended up getting invited to the private reception that took place before Giuliana went on to speak. The excitement has been building for the past few weeks! [Brand new dress: check. Matching blue pumps: check.]

 

 a few of the beautiful OU DGs who helped make this all happen!

G is an honorary Delta Gamma sister!

The ladies of Delta Gamma did not disappoint and the reception was beautiful. Giuliana arrived in a whirlwind of smiles, laughter and cameras recording for 2 of her TV shows. Everyone was allowed to go through a receiving line to briefly meet & greet with her. I knew that I had to tell her about Desiree sharing my story with her to see if she remembered. Looking back now, my adrenaline was so high and I'm not even sure I even told her my name! I just showed her the picture of her & Desiree and told her she'd already heard my story. Immediately her faced changed and she said "I remember you!". I could've cried in that moment. She said "You were about to start chemo, I remember!". And then my heart was so content. I couldn't believe that here we were, nine months later, after all the millions of people she meets on a daily basis, and she remembered ME. She asked how I was doing and was so sympathetic to all that I've been through. I swear I could've sat and talked to her over coffee for hours. But alas I was allowed 1 quick photo with her and we were on our way.

Giuliana's speech at the Lectureship was just as amazing as she is. She spoke to all of the trials & tribulations she's worked to overcome in her life. And boy has she worked. What an awesome example she is of someone who has fought through challenges to get to where she is today. Beyond just beating breast cancer, she has triumphed over so much more and leads her life as a positive example of perseverance and strength. 

 

 photo credit: Courtney Mahon Photography

Even though our conversation was brief, I will never forget our time together and the quick bond we shared. Giuliana was so gracious and down to earth. Beautiful inside just as much as she is outside; her compassionate soul radiated the entire time we spoke. I am forever grateful for this experience-- to Ashley and to my other Delta Gamma sisters for making this happen and including me in it.

The night ended with Giuliana replying to my Tweet to her:

Dreams do come true, even if for a brief 60 seconds -- because those fleeting moments created lasting memories for a lifetime!

pinked out

I have a confession to make. When I was first diagnosed and my friends were trying to be supportive and gift me with breast cancer books, shirts, and other paraphernalia-- I was overwhelmed and annoyed. It got to the point where I didn't want to see ANYTHING pink anymore because it made me sick to my stomach. The truth is I was in complete denial. I didn't want anything to do with pink because I couldn't believe or accept that I was now part of this pinkness.

Funny how my emotions completely changed over such a short time. Since coming out on the other side of this battle, I could not be more proud to wear pink. I sport my pink t-shirts to the gym, to Starbucks, to the grocery store, anywhere people will notice it. I even bought a pair of adorable pink stiletto pumps last week.  

I want everyone to know that I'm proud to have fought this battle and to keep fighting it in honor of those who cannot fight anymore. Life has become more meaningful now since learning to embrace pink and all that it represents.

While this is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I want everyone to know that the awareness spans more than just these 31 days of October. Even though the stores are all selling adorable pink products, I'm not going to get into the debate here about where funding goes or how much of it is actually put towards research. A lot of the money raised in the name of breast cancer is NOT used towards prevention or research; most of the funds are spent on more awareness and marketing campaigns.  So if you don't feel comfortable buying pink but still want to support the cause free-of-charge, then I encourage you to sign up for the Health Of Women study by Dr. Susan Love. I've been a part of this research organization since before I was diagnosed and their studies are legitimate and groundbreaking. This new study is all-encompassing and all it requires of you is to sign up and provide [secure] information about you & your health. 

"The HOW Study is a first-of-its-kind international online study for women and men with and without a history of breast cancer.  We will collect information about your health, your job, your diet, and your family history, among other topics that can help us get a better understanding of breast cancer and its potential causes.  Periodically, we will send you questionnaires about anything and everything. All you have to do is fill them out online. It’s that simple. This is a partnership and we need you for the long haul. The more questionnaires you fill out, the more information we will have that can help us have a better understanding of why women get breast cancer"

If you've always wanted to do something to contribute but weren't sure what to do, this is your opportunity. And who knows, you may help save your own life, or that of someone you love. We all have to work together to help to end this horrible disease. 

Month 5: focusing on myself

If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me "So, are you going back to work now?" then I'd probably have enough money to never have to go back to work! Sure I'm done battling cancer, which was my full-time job. Sure my daughter has started preschool. But it was my plan to stay home from work for many years while I raised our children. Even though cancer came along and robbed me of that plan, I'm now fighting to regain myself once again and form a new plan. For now, the plan is to focus on myself.

It may seem like I was incredibly strong throughout the months I was battling breast cancer. The truth is I didn't feel strong at all; I was running on adrenaline and fumes. Now that the battle is over I feel like I've collapsed and need to gather myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I'd liken it to running a marathon and being exhausted once you cross the finish line (I've never actually run a marathon! I can only imagine) It's time to compose myself again and get my life back on track.

I feel like speaking out about breast cancer and my faith journey is a huge part of what God has called me to do in this season of life. I've done a lot of interviews & articles lately with local newspapers. I've mentored to friends who are worried about "something" they've detected themselves. I've started volunteering with our local Susan G Komen chapter. I hate that I am now the young face of breast cancer, but if I can help others through their diagnosis or educate women my age about breast awareness, then I know I've done priceless, valuable work.

I've also started going to therapy to talk about what we've been through -- so much heartache in such a short year. It truly helps to get guidance on how to process my emotions. God has also been broadcasting straight to my heart recently through a sermon series at church called "Restoration". I've learned that the Lord can and WILL restore the joy that was taken from me. "Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

I'm relying on the faith that led me through this battle to now help me get me back on my feet, and I know it will. I recently read another survivor's blog about how survivorship is a struggle. Her words shook me to my core because they're exactly like how I've been feeling too. I've struggled with feeling like there's a void in my life and how to cope with getting my life back. I've finally realized that the truth is I'm not getting that life back. I have to create a new life plan for myself. A new me, a better me. 

month 4: hair-spiration

Ever since I was diagnosed I've been {somewhat obsessively} following Ashley of Lil Blue Boo. She was stricken with cancer around the same time I was so our journeys have been very similar & parallel. When she shaved her head, I knew my time was right around the corner, and it was comforting to see someone else marching bravely ahead of me.

Like me, Ashley is also now working on growing her long blonde hair back out. She recently featured other young cancer patients' hair journeys on her blog. I feel so honored to be included in this list among other awesome fighters & survivors. Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time and thoughtfulness to feature such amazing ladies! And thank you for continuing to be such an inspiration to me and others.

Speaking of hair, here's my 4-months-post-chemo hair do:

It has FINALLY all come in and I can proudly say I have a full head of hair! No more bald spots! I even have enough hair to rock a faux-hawk on days when I'm feeling dare-devilish. The back is looking a lil shaggy though so I may need a trim here soon to avoid a mullet. Surprisingly it is the same color & texture as it was before (pre blonde highlights). It is coming in with some pretty strawberry-blonde natural highlights and is stick-straight as ever!

I am now completely at peace with my new hair. I'm no longer anxious or nervous to go out in public. A few times random strangers have stopped me to tell me they "love my haircut!". I don't have the audacity to tell them I didn't choose this though ;) Talk about awkward! I just smile, say thanks and act like I do love it even though it wasn't my first pick of haircuts.

I'm not sure if these things are helping, but here are my magic "secrets" to my hair growth.
A/G Pro vitamins -- I eat these like it's my job.

Nioxin hair thickening shampoo. So it's usually for balding men .. who cares .. I think it's working! ;) 

Month 3

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

--"Ironic" by Alanis Morisette  

I really feel strongly connected to this song lately -- Ironic. Life surely did sneak up on me when I thought everything was going right. But now it's my job to turn around and take control of it after its blown up in my face. 

I also feel like this whole cancer thing has been SUCH an oxymoron. When I was diagnosed, I was physically in the best shape of my life. How in the world could I have cancer?! My body was invaded with cancerous cells that could kill me. However, because I was so 'healthy', the cancer & subsequent treatments did not stand a chance. I wake up every day thanking the good Lord for complete healing and no complications. My body endured 5 surgeries in six months (2 in just the past two months). I am amazed that I escaped the entire process standing strong with no issues. How is it that a body so 'sick' can be so healthy at the same time? Isn't it ironic? Yeah, I really do think. 

The best new is that I am now done with all surgeries and procedures. My last surgery, a month ago, was a huge success and I'm healing perfectly. My doctors all continue to be amazed at my quick recovery abilities. God is so good!

Today is 3 months since completing chemo.  I couldn't celebrate today without posting a picture of my hair growth. Keep growing lil hair, you're doing awesome! :)

 I have finally worked up enough courage to ditch my wig -- I never thought the day would come! Thank you 100+ degree heat for finally pushing me over the edge in my decision. I decided to go 'cold-turkey' and just do it because I knew if I wore it some days and not others, I'd never let it go. I'm happy to report that I'm now going on a few weeks wig free! Of course I can't leave the house without a headband (Reminds me of the days when my daughter was an infant and we had a strict policy of not going out without a hair accessory!) Breelys Garden on Etsy is the most amazing shop for unique headbands. The only headbands that will stay/fit on my head are thin elastic newborn ones. But I didn't want to look like I was sporting an infant look. These beautiful headbands are definitely more trendy than typical flowers and I love feeling confident wearing  them! I've never had hair shorter than shoulder-length, so this pixie 'do is a whole new thing for me. The only good thing about it is that it's so cool in this wretched summer heat; there's a silver lining to everything! 

"You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light"

-2 Samuel 22:29