Month 5: focusing on myself

If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me "So, are you going back to work now?" then I'd probably have enough money to never have to go back to work! Sure I'm done battling cancer, which was my full-time job. Sure my daughter has started preschool. But it was my plan to stay home from work for many years while I raised our children. Even though cancer came along and robbed me of that plan, I'm now fighting to regain myself once again and form a new plan. For now, the plan is to focus on myself.

It may seem like I was incredibly strong throughout the months I was battling breast cancer. The truth is I didn't feel strong at all; I was running on adrenaline and fumes. Now that the battle is over I feel like I've collapsed and need to gather myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I'd liken it to running a marathon and being exhausted once you cross the finish line (I've never actually run a marathon! I can only imagine) It's time to compose myself again and get my life back on track.

I feel like speaking out about breast cancer and my faith journey is a huge part of what God has called me to do in this season of life. I've done a lot of interviews & articles lately with local newspapers. I've mentored to friends who are worried about "something" they've detected themselves. I've started volunteering with our local Susan G Komen chapter. I hate that I am now the young face of breast cancer, but if I can help others through their diagnosis or educate women my age about breast awareness, then I know I've done priceless, valuable work.

I've also started going to therapy to talk about what we've been through -- so much heartache in such a short year. It truly helps to get guidance on how to process my emotions. God has also been broadcasting straight to my heart recently through a sermon series at church called "Restoration". I've learned that the Lord can and WILL restore the joy that was taken from me. "Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

I'm relying on the faith that led me through this battle to now help me get me back on my feet, and I know it will. I recently read another survivor's blog about how survivorship is a struggle. Her words shook me to my core because they're exactly like how I've been feeling too. I've struggled with feeling like there's a void in my life and how to cope with getting my life back. I've finally realized that the truth is I'm not getting that life back. I have to create a new life plan for myself. A new me, a better me. 

month 4: hair-spiration

Ever since I was diagnosed I've been {somewhat obsessively} following Ashley of Lil Blue Boo. She was stricken with cancer around the same time I was so our journeys have been very similar & parallel. When she shaved her head, I knew my time was right around the corner, and it was comforting to see someone else marching bravely ahead of me.

Like me, Ashley is also now working on growing her long blonde hair back out. She recently featured other young cancer patients' hair journeys on her blog. I feel so honored to be included in this list among other awesome fighters & survivors. Thank you, Ashley, for taking the time and thoughtfulness to feature such amazing ladies! And thank you for continuing to be such an inspiration to me and others.

Speaking of hair, here's my 4-months-post-chemo hair do:

It has FINALLY all come in and I can proudly say I have a full head of hair! No more bald spots! I even have enough hair to rock a faux-hawk on days when I'm feeling dare-devilish. The back is looking a lil shaggy though so I may need a trim here soon to avoid a mullet. Surprisingly it is the same color & texture as it was before (pre blonde highlights). It is coming in with some pretty strawberry-blonde natural highlights and is stick-straight as ever!

I am now completely at peace with my new hair. I'm no longer anxious or nervous to go out in public. A few times random strangers have stopped me to tell me they "love my haircut!". I don't have the audacity to tell them I didn't choose this though ;) Talk about awkward! I just smile, say thanks and act like I do love it even though it wasn't my first pick of haircuts.

I'm not sure if these things are helping, but here are my magic "secrets" to my hair growth.
A/G Pro vitamins -- I eat these like it's my job.

Nioxin hair thickening shampoo. So it's usually for balding men .. who cares .. I think it's working! ;) 

Month 3

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

--"Ironic" by Alanis Morisette  

I really feel strongly connected to this song lately -- Ironic. Life surely did sneak up on me when I thought everything was going right. But now it's my job to turn around and take control of it after its blown up in my face. 

I also feel like this whole cancer thing has been SUCH an oxymoron. When I was diagnosed, I was physically in the best shape of my life. How in the world could I have cancer?! My body was invaded with cancerous cells that could kill me. However, because I was so 'healthy', the cancer & subsequent treatments did not stand a chance. I wake up every day thanking the good Lord for complete healing and no complications. My body endured 5 surgeries in six months (2 in just the past two months). I am amazed that I escaped the entire process standing strong with no issues. How is it that a body so 'sick' can be so healthy at the same time? Isn't it ironic? Yeah, I really do think. 

The best new is that I am now done with all surgeries and procedures. My last surgery, a month ago, was a huge success and I'm healing perfectly. My doctors all continue to be amazed at my quick recovery abilities. God is so good!

Today is 3 months since completing chemo.  I couldn't celebrate today without posting a picture of my hair growth. Keep growing lil hair, you're doing awesome! :)

 I have finally worked up enough courage to ditch my wig -- I never thought the day would come! Thank you 100+ degree heat for finally pushing me over the edge in my decision. I decided to go 'cold-turkey' and just do it because I knew if I wore it some days and not others, I'd never let it go. I'm happy to report that I'm now going on a few weeks wig free! Of course I can't leave the house without a headband (Reminds me of the days when my daughter was an infant and we had a strict policy of not going out without a hair accessory!) Breelys Garden on Etsy is the most amazing shop for unique headbands. The only headbands that will stay/fit on my head are thin elastic newborn ones. But I didn't want to look like I was sporting an infant look. These beautiful headbands are definitely more trendy than typical flowers and I love feeling confident wearing  them! I've never had hair shorter than shoulder-length, so this pixie 'do is a whole new thing for me. The only good thing about it is that it's so cool in this wretched summer heat; there's a silver lining to everything! 

"You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light"

-2 Samuel 22:29

Month 2

Cure isn't a word the oncologists use for breast cancer. They use, instead, survival rates -- how many live for how many years after they've had cancer. So instead of saying, "I'm cured", you call yourself a survivor, and then you learn that surviving isn't very different from what you were doing before.

I love this quote from a breast cancer book I just read called "The Victoria's Secret Catalog never stops coming". (It doesn't, by the way. Semi-annual Sale, anyone?!)

Surviving just means life is going on normally and I still feel so blessed each & every day. It's ironic that it takes cancer to make you realize that you were taking your days for granted before being diagnosed.  Eventually those days add up to months, and then years.

This month I acquired a fun, new wig! (Thank you Christy!!) It is hot as you-know-what outside already and wigs are so hot to wear. As much as a love my long haired wigs they just aren't practical for summertime. As soon as my hair isn't so patchy and doesn't scream "cancer patient!" I'll ditch the wigs altogether!

attending a wedding with the hubby

berry picking with my baby girl 

Today I had my 2-months-post-chemo checkup. You know you've become a slave to these appointments when your oncologist walks in and says "See you in another 6 weeks!". No mention of the bloodwork I just had drawn, nothing! We've got this routine down-pat. It's just another answered prayer to have quick & easy appointments. Just how I like them!

Tomorrow morning I will have my 3rd (and FINAL!) surgery. I'm anxious for a lot of reasons: the lingering unknowns of surgery in general, the outcome, the readiness to have this all behind me. But I'm confident it will all go well and can't wait to update that all of my procedures are finally over with!! 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

good news/bad news

The good news is that my reconstructive surgery was a success. Everything went fine, except my surgeon encountered more scar tissue than she'd expected. After a few very tedious & boring days in the hospital I was finally released to go home. This surgery was NOTHING like my first surgery back in December. They were like night & day. Thank you, Lord!  I think I took 1 pain pill after waking up from this surgery and that was it. I could put shirts on over my head, raise my arms, bear weight, etc. I was shocked at how quick the recovery was. {I may or may not have gone rollerblading and mowed the lawn 5 days after surgery too} ...Seriously, I've felt great!! My surgeon was also pleasantly surprised with how quickly I healed. She was concerned with my chemo compromising my healing process but that wasn't an issue at all! My next, and final, reconstructive surgery will be coming up on June 12. I am SO excited to put this all behind me!

The bad news is that after contacting a local adoption agency I've been told that as a cancer patient, I cannot be "approved" until I've been in remission for 5 years. Wow. Talk about a blow to the heart. I'd researched/heard that cancer patients could encounter more difficulties adopting but I had no idea the wait was so long. Obviously if this is our only way to add to our family we will wait the time, but it is definitely heartbreaking. We have desperately yearned for another baby and I know that God hears my prayers every night and knows the desires of my heart. I'm secretly hoping that someday soon, He'll get tired of my constant request and just magically bless me with another baby. Until that day comes, I'll continue to be on my knees, praying fervently for another miracle just like my sweet daughter He's already graced us with.

And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. 

Phil. 4:19

The most memorable Mother's Day

Simply being chosen as Honorary Bat Girl was beyond my wildest dreams; but all the perks that came with it surpassed those dreams! Being interviewed for the local news. Standing on the field at the Ballpark in Arlington. Meeting Josh Hamilton. Sitting 7 rows behind the dugout. Waving casually to Nolan Ryan as he walked by. Having my breast cancer battle read over the loud speaker in front of 45,000 people.

Amazing. All of it. It was definitely a beautiful day that I won't soon forget. The pre-game ceremony itself was not televised as part of the game on ESPN, but here are a few of the interviews I did for the local Dallas news stations:

• Fox Good Day Sunday Morning show
• My live announcement during the pre-game ceremony
• A very touching & well written story and video WFAA

arrived to my own personal goodie bag from MLB!

 

 being bombarded by news cameras the minute I stepped onto the field! Craziness. 

 

 

LOVE my personalized jersey

 

 the Rangers taking batting practice (#32 is the one & only Josh Hamilton!)

 

 oh you know, just chatting it up with JOSH HAMILTON!!

Josh was very kind and down to earth. He shared that his mother & aunt both battled breast cancer. We also got to meet/chat with Ian Kinsler, Adrian Beltre, and Colby Lewis. Oh and PS -- see his pink bat? The players used those for the game, each had his own personalized bat that will be auctioned off. MLB is shipping me my very own with my name engraved on it!

Claire could've cared less about schmoozing with professional baseball players. She just wanted to sit in the dirt. A nice man gave her her own baseball to keep her happy!

my beautiful friend Ashley not only came out to show her support but she was my acting manager & agent!

 

 smiling in shock as the entire stadium hears my story

our seats were amazing!!

 

Everyone at the Texas Rangers organization was simply fabulous; they were all so kind and helpful. I can't express enough how humbling it was to represent my breast cancer sisters; those who fought before me and those who continue to fight. I'm also so thankful to my dear friends & family who attend the game to support me and my cause. And to everyone who voted for me to win - THANK YOU! But most importantly, thank you to God who chose to heal me so that I could experience this day with my beautiful family. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

survivorship: month 1

Has it really already been a whole month since I completed chemo?! Time flies when you're having fun & feeling good! Lots of fun stuff going on .. Well, fun to me at least :) Just being able to do normal things everyday is such a blessing to me! 

Here's what's been going on:

hours of waiting room boredom while at lots of doctors appointments: but everything is GOOD! 

returning to the gym 5-6 days a week. back to running on the treadmill with no pain!

date nights with the hubby :)

did a special mommy & me photo session courtesy of my sweet friend Lindsey. You can see the entire session here 

took my daughter to Disney on Ice: Toy Story 3!

lots of play-dates at the park to soak up this beautiful spring weather

planning a special lil girl's 3rd birthday party!

growing some HAIR!!! :)

Speaking of hair, I also did a little "modeling" gig for my dear friend Christy. She is launching a website for cancer patients called Rock My Cure. It is an amazing site for women to get information on how to feel & look good while fighting cancer. She needed my help in demonstrating some wig how-to's and we had a great time filming the videos.

In addition to all this excitement, I'm also getting so giddy for my big debut with the Texas Rangers on Sunday! As the honorary bat girl I get to attend batting practice and be honored in a pre-game ceremony. The Rangers are playing the Anaheim Angels and the game will be televised nationally on ESPN so be sure to tune in! I feel so humbled to be able to represent all of the courageous women battling this disease.

And finally, I'm also getting ready to have my next surgery next week. It will be another reconstructive surgery -- if you're not squeamish to medical details you can read all about the procedure here. It is supposed to be a very quick surgery, but because I have a mild case of Von Willebrands disease I get to stay in the hospital for 3 days .. yay! :( Talk about some super fun & special treatment, ugh! I'd much rather be recovering at home but I'm used to these extended-stay hospital visits by now.

Whew that was a lot! I'll be sure to update after my surgery!