the bald & the ... beautiful?

Well, when I shaved my head I vowed that would be the only bald picture I took, but I lied.

I took this picture and entered it in the People Magazine "Real Beauty" contest. Turns out they aren't fond of bald women because I wasn't chosen. But that's ok. I'm still learning to embrace the baldness and feeling a little more beautiful each day.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

there's a light!

Chemo #3 is in the books!

 Adorable hat courtesy of Peaches & Brown Sugar Designs .. I love all of her beautiful hats!

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on

I first heard this song "Tunnel" by Third Day when I was diagnosed a few months ago. It makes me cry, without fail, EVERY time I hear it. It is such an incredible reminder that I'm not alone and that God's continuing to walk beside me and fight with me. But now it has even more meaning to me because I feel like I can finally, truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't believe I am only 1 more treatment from being D-O-N-E!! He's got good things are right around the corner, I know it. 

I also have to post this beautiful magnet that my dear friend Teara of Magnet Maniac created for her shop! She is so talented and thoughtful to include a magnet just for me (& the breast cancer cause) in her charity auction right now; and she is donating the proceeds to my 2 favorite charities: Bright Pink & FORCE.

Here's a lil blurb about how amazing her cute business is:

Providing handmade magnets to accessorize your life. Perfect for work, home, school, lockers, or gifts. A variety of designs to choose from or make a personalized set. Also, if you have a business logo, I can make it a magnet!

 I'm going to enjoy having next week OFF with no doctors appointments -- hooray! My oncologist doesn't want/need to see me back until the week before my next (LAST) chemo. So here's to the next few weeks of feeling good, hitting the gym, and loving life! :)

out of the mouth of babes

I truly have not given enough credit to my precious daughter who has handled her bald mommy with SUCH grace. What an amazing little person she is for only being 2.5 years old. None of what we've endured has seemed to phase her and I am so grateful to God for her resiliency during this journey.

Just wanted to share some of the precious things she's said to me over the past few weeks since I lost my hair:

• "Mommy, I love your bald head"
  
• "Why are you wearing white hair?" -- when I was wearing a platinum blonde wig
• "Mommy, your hair is darker!" -- the next day, when I wore my normal-hair-color wig.
• Me: "Yep, it is darker! Remember this is like my old hair color".
• Her: "You're not sick anymore?!?!" 

•  "Dear God, thank you for Mommy's bald head" -- bedtime prayers
  

• "When I'm a big mommy like you one day, I'll be sick and lose my hair too" {cue sobbing from me}
  It was so bittersweet to hear her say that and connect mommies & being sick, yet to also want to be just like her mommy when she grows up. 
  

•  And just yesterday she brought my wig to me and asked to wear it while playing dress-up. It totally completed her outfit :)
  
  
  I love this sweet baby girl with every fiber of my being!
  

 "And said to him,  'Do you hear you what these say?' And Jesus said to them, 'Yes; have you never read, Out of the mouth of babes and children you have perfected praise?"  

Matthew 21:16

sisterhood

 

They say that having breast cancer is like joining a sisterhood "club" that no one wants to be a part of, but yet it yields so many amazing blessings. Truer words have never been spoken.

4 days after I was diagnosed I was sweetly embraced by another young survivor, and she hasn't let go of me since. I firmly believe that God put her, and so many others, in my life to ensure that I don't walk through this journey alone. There are even strangers that I've yet to meet in real life who have become like sisters to me through emails, phone calls and texts. I could never adequately say thank you enough for their support; but I vow to pay it forward. Just to know that they've walked my walk and "get" what I'm going through is so humbling & comforting. I feel like this is the closest I could ever feel to being physically loved on by Jesus in real life.

Continue on this path with Me, enjoying My Presence even in adversity. I am always before you, as well as alongside you. See Me beckoning to you: Come! Follow Me. The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand. I am not subject to limitations of time or space. I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me.

~Jesus Calling 

P.S. Had my 1-week chemo follow up today. Guess whose bloodwork was excellent again?! My oncologist's exact words were "You look too good to be at the cancer center, get outta here. See you in two weeks for round 3!" Thank you Lord for allowing my body to tolerate this chemo!!

half-way done!

Today was my last day of IV fluids for Round 2 of chemo -- so I am officially half-way done with my 4 treatments!

I will say the one thing that was "nice" this time around was knowing what to expect. Things were not as scary as the first round and I was much more relaxed. Thank you Lord for calming my anxiety!!

Who says you can't look cute at chemo?! :)

Just like last time, we had wonderful friends bring us lunch & other treats. It is so amazing to feel loved and supported by so many people! I even got some awesome pink highlights in my wig from my hair stylist. She's the best!

And now my poor arm is recovering from 3 straight days of having an IV in it :( It is rejoicing being "free" for the next 2.5 weeks until my next round!

So far so good for Round 2. As always, they tell you to expect to feel "icky" by Fri/Sat {but then again that is what the IV fluids are supposed to prevent!} Hoping for a great response this time just like the first round. I feel more tired but nothing extreme or awful; and for that I am so thankful! 


Today my daily devotional from my Jesus Calling app was simply amazing. I feel like it is always exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thank you God for always speaking directly to me!

You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
-Psalm 119:105 

hair pt. 2 {my daughter}

Most of my anxiety about shaving my head/losing my hair was about how my daughter would take it. She's 2.5 which I know is still very young, but she is a lil too smart for her own good. I tend to over worry (yes, I'm that extreme) about her lil psyche in every aspect of her life : taking away the paci, potty training, Daddy deploying, etc. I'm always concerned about how she'll cope with transitions and how to best keep her routine the same. Getting diagnosed with cancer was the most heart wrenching thing in my life; not for me, but for my concern for my daughter. Would she now get it too? How would she cope with me coping? Would she be scared? How would her behavior change? I have worried way more about HER than I have myself through this entire process. But from that day on, I vowed to keep everything the same as possible for her so as not to disrupt her life any more than was necessary.

In many ways my infertility struggle was a blessing; she has been so used to "mommy's going to the doctor" for over a year now. Add in 3 surgeries in 3 months and she's now completely comfortable and familiar with the hospital too. What an unanticipated blessing! She's handled all of that so well and I couldn't be more thankful for how she's coped thus far. For the most part we've just been telling her that Mommy's sick and the doctors are helping her to get better and she's been fine with that explanation.

When my hair started falling out I decided it was time to talk to her about it. Luckily my dear friend Emily gifted me with this amazing book:

It really is the most adorable book ever and details how the mommy loses her hair from cancer. However, we haven't even used the word "cancer" with her because that's a lil too deep. And we don't want to tell her the medicine is making my hair fall out because we do not want her to be afraid of medicine from now on. We taught her the word "bald" and talked about how Mommy would now be bald like her baby doll. She seemed to enjoy/understand somewhat the book but kept asking "Where'd her hair go?!" over and over. She was clearly concerned that the mommy was bald but she just had to know WHERE it was. 

So as my own hair started coming out, I put some in a baggie to physically show her where my hair was. We collected quite a bit of it and I kept telling her "This is where Mommy's hair is because it's coming out". She seemed pretty content at that! 

When I finally shaved it, I came home with a wig on and we again read the book and discussed it. I then took my wig off to show her my bald head. I had tears in my eyes as I was showing her, but she just look at me wide-eyed and kinda giggled. She said "Mommy's hair is bald!" and went on about her way! I had to wipe those tears away quick because clearly this was not a sad moment; her strength became my strength! I was dumbfounded. Here I had been overcome with anxiety about this entire thing, and my child laughs because she was not bothered by it! Oh how I love her; I'm amazed daily by her loving heart and sweet & innocent resiliency. She really likes to rub my "soft hair" aka my bald head, and she gets concerned when I cover it up with wigs or hats. For some reason she likes to see it at all times! 

Here we are in our darling matching caps -- thank you Emily! She was so excited that we matched & she has one of her own :) 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

my hair {or lack thereof!}

The past week has been very difficult emotionally; I've felt on edge just waiting for my hair to fall out. What a terrible thing to have to anticipate! And even though I prayed for it so hard every night, my poor hair still could not withstand the effects of Taxotere. It started coming out on Saturday and by today it was just too much to take. Surprisingly I wasn't that upset about it; it was more annoying than anything else. I guess the good news is that it means the chemo is doing its job by killing off any cancer cells. My Dr refers to chemo as "dumb drugs" -- they kill the bad but also accidentally kill the good (aka, my poor hair cells).

I started thinking about the inevitable -- shaving my head. I knew it was coming and I'd simply have to decide when. Then I started thinking about being bald, and the fact that even as a newborn baby, I was NEVER bald. I came out with a full head of hair, and have never looked back since. I've never known anything but lots of hair!

hours old as a newborn

2nd grade

6th grade

my wedding day

teacher Anne

mommy Anne

Even though it was against everything I've ever know,  a few days after my first chemo, I had my hair stylist cut my hair. She chopped off a good 6 inches or so! We did this in anticipation of my impending hair loss and I'm so glad we did.  It definitely made things a lot easier (& less messy) when it finally did start coming out.I actually kind of loved this short & sassy look! So sad that it was so short-lived.

Tonight I decided I'd had enough of the shedding and my dear friend Christy agreed to shave my head. It was time. I still can't believe that I have no hair; I don't think I look like the same person at all -- in fact I feel pretty ugly. I already miss my hair so much.

I can't believe I'm actually posting this picture for the entire world to see, but in a way it's liberating. So here I am, in all my bald glory:

yep, my dear hubby shaved his too!

I'm not a huge fan of the baldness, so this will probably be the only picture ever I take of it! I can't wait to wear my new wigs and feel/look somewhat "normal" again. I also can't wait for about a year from now, when I can embrace my beautiful, long locks again!

To quote the amazing Ashley of Lil Blue Boo: 

 "I've let go of fear and anxiety ... now I can let go of vanity"