blessed

Wow I don't even know where to begin to talk about how AMAZING my friends are. Last weekend I had the shock of my life when they threw me a surprise "chemo" party!

I thought I was showing up to attend a baby shower for our dear friend ... but apparently not!

Not gonna lie, I had a total blonde moment and felt so stupid not understanding what was going on. I even said "I'm not Nichole!!" (our pregnant friend) when 20 people yelled "SURPRISE!". Boy was I confused. I kept thinking "But it's not my birthday!!".

Well then I saw that everyone was wearing matching t-shirts:

Needless to say I was speechless and was so overwhelmed I didn't know if I should cry or laugh or both! Everything was decorated so beautifully and I was humbled by the hard work that all my wonderful friends put into making this party such an amazing surprise.

Here is the beautiful Nichole, whose baby shower I THOUGHT I was attending!

 

And I had to make sure I gave every single friend a big hug; I've never felt so loved in my life!

 

Justin Bieber even made an appearance too! Crazy inside joke, but it was hilarious that everyone signed this gigantic poster!

 

 Opening all the amazing gifts. Seriously amazing. From hats, to scarves, books, gift cards, and more! Everything to make sure I'm prepared for and taken care of during chemo. Such love from these girls.

And even my very own pair of PINK boxing gloves! So perfect!

 

And my bestie, Liz, even came into town for the party - surprising me even more! She took all these wonderful pictures and I'm SO thankful she captured this memory for me!

I can't say thank you enough to my beautiful friends who made this happen for me: Angela, Anne, Emily, Liz, Desiree, and so many more.Every day since my diagnosis, I've been surrounded by their steadfast love, and THAT has been more than plenty. But to surprise me with this party is just a blessing beyond measure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

P.S. There are a few leftover t-shirts from the party, if anyone wants to buy one. They're $10 and all the proceeds are being donated to Bright Pink.

big decision

It's been a long 10 days since I last updated -- literally and mentally.

At my first appointment with my oncologist, he walked in with GREAT news. Because my pathology report came back so clear, he was unsure if I needed chemo! He even sent my results for further diagnostic testing; a new cutting-edge technique specifically for cases like mine called Oncotype DX. Well guess what -- it gave me a score so low that indicated I probably did not need chemo. My recurrence rate was set at 10% without chemo, and with chemo it'd lower to 7%. Was it really worth putting my body through chemo just to lower it by a measly 3%?? He didn't want to over-treat me unnecessarily, but at the same time he was hung up on my young age. Even though the news was so great, I was now in a "gray area" and no one quite knew what to do.

So after discussing the pros & cons of doing and not doing chemo, my doctor decided to let us go home to discuss and pray about it. He had already sought out 2nd opinions from his colleagues and mentors, and he said he simply needed to pray about it. (LOVE him for this reason)

We did just that -- talked, thought, prayed and cried for the past week. I {ignorantly} hoped that God would just send me a magical sign either way. Turns out, He didn't. So in my mind, it reaffirmed to me that He'd be with me no matter what I decided and that I needed to go with my heart. My strongest instinct was to move forward with chemo and keep fighting. From Day 1, I said I was going to fight hard and I need to continue to do so until every battle possible has been put behind me. I want to make sure that I give this all I've got and have no regrets in the long-term. To me, not doing chemo would be a selfish act because I have many years ahead to live for my husband and daughter. I want to be there for them and not constantly wonder "what if?" I owe it to them and to the baby we lost to give this fight my all; because in my heart we'll always be a family of  4.

When we reconvened with my oncologist on Friday, he walked in and said "I think you should do chemo". Good thing we were both on the same page, it made things a lot easier. So the plan is to start chemo on Feb 6, with a treatment every 3 weeks. I'll complete 4 treatments total. 4 days out of my life? Totally do-able, no big deal! For all the medical savvy people, my chemo regimen will be Taxol and Cytoxan. I think that in the grand scheme of chemo regimens, mine is very mild. My doctor has armed me with loads of meds to combat any serious side effects - I'm ready for battle! Scared? Yes. But my God has never and will never leave my side; I know He'll continue to be with me until this battle is won.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 

James 1:12

feeling normal!

Wow, somehow it's already been 2 weeks since my surgery! Some days I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks, it seems like just yesterday. And some days it seems like it was a year ago. Isn't time funny like that?

So how are things 2 weeks post-surgery ... they're great! I am feeling much better/strong as each day passes. I can almost fully lift both arms above my head. It is so nice to be able to do "normal" things like put my shoes on and wash my hair. My left arm is still a little less useful than the right, but that's due to the fact that I had my lymph nodes/more tissue removed in that area. My doctors have been super impressed by my quick healing; I think it's due mostly to my age & prior health status. I am just so glad that things have gone well up until this point. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome!

Friday is my appointment with my oncologist to discuss my final (wonderful!) pathology report and talk chemo. It's sure to be an interesting & long appointment with lots to discuss and lots of questions; its outcome will dictate the rest of this journey. Please pray for wisdom, peace & the best possible outcome! I know the Lord will provide all of this for us at this appointment, as he He has already done so up until now.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." 

Lamentations 3:22-23

Hallelujah!

So there I was, standing in the ketchup aisle at the commissary [grocery store for you non-military folks] and my phone rings. It was my breast surgeon Dr S. He was calling with the results of my final pathology report from surgery. "Good news!" he said. "Everything came back clear". He said some other mumbo jumbo I didn't hear it all because I was so happy I was trying not to cry in the ketchup aisle. Basically the 2 lymph nodes they removed and the tissue surrounding the tumor - called margins - were all clean and cancer free!! This means the cancer has not spread to anywhere else in my body. This also labels my cancer as 'stage 1' since it was not found in any lymph nodes, and the tumor was smaller than 2cm. In addition to this, I will not need to have radiation since my lymph nodes are clean.

Even after all this good news, I will still need chemotherapy. It is rare that surgery alone is ever the only treatment for cancer. Even though we caught my cancer early and it appears to all be gone, there are no guarantees. Due to my age and good health status, we committed early on to an aggressive treatment plan - hence the double mastectomy. I love my surgeon and trust that he did a great job removing the tumor, but to ensure that every single microscopic cancer cell in my body is gone, I will undergo chemo to be 100% sure. It seems kind of crazy to put my body through the wringer after getting such good news that the cancer is gone, but it will be worth it. I want to live a carefree life knowing I did all I could to better myself and minimize any recurrence.


You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.
Acts 2:28

let the healing begin

It's a new year and a new healing chapter in my life! 2012 is sure to bring difficult struggles, but I am excited that they will result in beautiful triumphs. It will be the year that I put cancer behind me for good.

I am so incredibly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Your steadfast love & prayers, along with God's healing grace, are what carried me successfully through this surgery.

From beginning to end, the surgery took 6 hours to complete. My breast surgeon, Dr S, completed the double mastectomy in three hours. My plastic surgeon, Dr K, took another three hours to perform the reconstruction and place the tissue expanders. If you're curious about the reconstruction, you can read about it here. I will need another surgery in about 4-5 months to actually place the final implants. My doctors said that the surgery went very well and progressed exactly as planned. I am so thankful for the perfect teamwork they displayed in order to produce such a wonderful outcome for me.

The best news out of surgery is that my lymph nodes seem to be CLEAR! They were able to test the 2 closest lymph nodes to the tumor. At the first check they both came back clear. Per standard protocol, they were still sent off to pathology which will determine the final prognosis. We are anxious to get the report back but we are confident that it will be good news.

One thing I did not prepare myself for was how much pain I would be in. I like to think I have a high pain tolerance but it's amazing how much we rely on our chest muscles to perform daily activities. Getting in and out of bed hurt tremendously; even putting socks on is now a complex task. I was loaded up with pain meds and muscle relaxers which made me feel terrible! Until now I'd never taken muscle relaxers and now I know why; I hate how they make me feel. I felt woozy, spacey and just plain icky. Now that I am home and it's been four days since surgery, I am not needing the meds as much. Thank goodness because I'm finally feeling much more like my normal self.

Throughout this entire journey so far, and especially the surgery, my wonderful husband has been my rock. He has been such a strong pillar of support and care. At home he is now playing nurse to me and both Mommy/Daddy to our daughter. I know he has been overwhelmed in many of the same ways that I have, but he also faces different challenges being the caretaker. Because of this, I continue to praise God for what an amazing man He created to be my husband.

The next few weeks we will continue to spend time at home recovering as a family. Chemotherapy will begin within a month or so; we do not have firm information on that yet but we will soon. In the meantime we will rejoice knowing that God has healed me in His own perfect way and I am now cancer free!! What an awesome feeling it is knowing that it is gone and my body is now free from that awful burden.

"blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him"
Jeremiah 17:7

it's go time

Well tomorrow is the big day. Surgery. Hospital arrival time is 5:45am so it's going to be an early day, and for that I am thankful. I think God knows I can't handle any more waiting and He wants me to be the first case of the day to limit my anxiety ;)

The plan is for surgery to start about 8am. They say it will take anywhere from 6-8hrs.  If you're my friend on Facebook, keep checking my page because Andy will be updating while I'm in surgery & after. {If you're not my friend on Facebook, find someone who is. J/K! I'll have him update the blog eventually too!}

Some specific prayer requests:

• pray for peace for my anxiety. I'm submitting this all to the Lord for Him to take care of EVERYTHING.
• pray for my Doctors and their wisdom 
• pray that the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes. This is the most important factor in the surgery and will determine what stage it is and what further specific treatments I will need. We are praying it is NOT in any lymph nodes and they're all clear. 
• finally, please please for my mom. She is coincidentally also having a lengthy surgery tomorrow, on her back. I'm sad she can't be here with me but we're hoping she has a smooth surgery too.

Thank you so much for all of the love, prayers, concerns, phone calls, and emails. I've never felt so uplifted in my life.  Keep the prayers coming, we can definitely feel them! I love you all and I can't wait to update my blog as CANCER FREE!!

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

2Samuel 22:33

heartbroken.

It's taken me a few days to process this news to be able to write openly about it. Heartbroken feels like an understament for how I feel; in fact I'm not sure there is a word that can accurately depict my emotions.

My oncologist has decided that it is unsafe and too risky to perform the egg retrieval. This was our one and only hope at having another biological child. Due to the hormone medication I'd have to take for the procedure, it could potentially fuel any remaining cancer cells left after surgery. He says it would be like playing with fire and is just not a wise or safe choice. We knew this was a possibility going into this but hearing the final decision was not easy to process. In a lot of ways I feel like it is harder to comprehend than the cancer diagnosis itself. The cancer is temporary; it will be removed in less than a week. My body will be cleared of it and I will overcome. But not being able to have another child of my own is a very permanent circumstance.

I always pictured myself as a mom to many children; we would go back and forth about whether we'd have 2 or 3. I fantasized about having our daughter holding her newborn brother or sister. I have thought about ways to foster sibling relationships and how much fun family vacations would be. I see our friends with their children interacting & loving on each other daily. All of this is now so difficult to swallow and I will never understand why things played out this way. I think that by far the hardest thing in life is having to submit to God's will, especially when it is not what you at all expected or were prepared for. What a humbling experience He is guiding me through.

The silver lining in all of this is the sweet baby girl that God has already blessed us with.  She needs her mama to be healthy for years to come; I don't want to jeopardize my health in any way for her future. She is my everything and is a beautiful & perfect distraction from the pain of this battle. I love her with ever fiber of my being and getting to be her mommy is the biggest blessing I have ever received. So amongst the heartache of this journey I will choose joy, because that is what she brings me.

We may look into pursuing adoption later on; who knows what the future could bring. Right now we are going to focus on my fight and getting well. God has already shown us He is in control of all of this and we feel confident that He will continue to bless us in unimaginable ways.

"Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name"