a thankful heart

Even before the day I was diagnosed, I have never ever felt alone in this journey. Only a handful of close friends knew what was privately transpiring through my many doctor appointments. They offered up laughs, hugs, distractions, and prayers. Then came the diagnosis and everything was 'public'. I never imagined then the amazingly steadfast love & support I would gain from everyone knowing about my battle. Cards, calls, meals, texts, care packages, emails, tshirts bought, prayers. Especially the friends who came to sit with me at chemo each time. It has literally been so overwhelming that I haven't been able to keep up with all of the 'thank yous' in return. I've never been one to not return a phone call or not send a thank you card, but this cancer fog has buried me from a lot of my normal ways.

I just want everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) to know how blessed I feel by their support. From my doctors & nurses, to close friends, to family, to friends of friends I don't even know. It is so humbling to hear that a perfect stranger has been praying for you. I never expected to ever know this much love in my life during such heart-wrenching trials.

Besides prayer, the most amazing gift that people have given is the love to our family, most importantly our daughter. She has been shuffled around to many different friends' houses for my countless appointments and that is the most appreciated act of selflessness we've been given. It is very difficult for me to ask for help, especially as a mother, and for my friends to step in and fill that void for me has been a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. I firmly believe that it is because of our wonderful close-knit friends here that she has been able to weather this journey with such resiliency.

When this battle began, I told my husband "I don't know why I'm going through this. But I do know that God will see me through it and He will use my experience to help someone else". I have always loved to pay it forward and now I know that God was just preparing me to do that with my journey. He has perfectly molded me through troubled grace so that I may be a witness to another young woman one day. And don't think I will ever forget about the love I've received from ALL of you -- that has all been stored up to be repaid too.

 Rejoice always,  pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

 1 Thess. 5:16-18

 Thank you for crying, laughing, venting, and most of all loving me through this battle. We have ALL won because you helped me beat cancer --I could not have done this by myself!

a bittersweet day

Whew. Today I am OFFICIALLY done with chemo! Even though I had my 4th treatment on Monday, I've had to go back for IV fluids and was not done with those until today. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was to have that IV pulled out for the last time. I barely made it to my car before I dissolved into a heap of tears. I sat in my car and cried sobs of thanksgiving to God for getting me through these past few months. It was so relieving to thank Him all at once for all he's done; for protecting me, and for giving me strength. I felt like such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Today not only marks the end of my chemo treatments, but it is exactly 5 months since we lost our sweet baby on November 11. I find it ironic and oh-so bittersweet that I've come full circle in such a short amount of time, yet it feels like it took en epic journey to finally arrive here. It is eerie, yet comforting that it is 5 months to the day; I'd like to think of it as a celebration to that precious baby that sacrificed its life so that I could fight this battle. Your mommy fought strong & hard for you, sweet little one, and I can't wait to rejoice with you one day in Heaven.

In the midst of this emotional upheaval & turmoil, I felt such comfort in my daily Jesus Calling devotional this morning:
This is the day that I have made. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin the day with open hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief portion of your life. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees me to work my ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it.

To find Joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant life in my presence today.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14 


So where do I go from here? My battle is far from over: countless follow up appointments, blood-work, monitoring, and more surgeries. I hope & pray that the worst is behind us now and I desperately look forward to rebuilding my life and finding myself again. (Oh, and my hair growing back too!)

In the meantime I plan to savor all my time with my precious family, especially this sweet face that God has so perfectly blessed me with:

Texas Rangers bat girl

For those who have known me for a while, it's no secret I am a die-hard life-long Texas Rangers fan. Last year my hubby totally surprised me with tickets to Game 3 of the WORLD SERIES! It was simply amazing.

Major League Baseball is currently hosting a contest for an Honorary Bat Girl, who is going through breast cancer, to represent each home team on Mothers Day. I almost cried when I heard about this! My sweet Dad -- who instilled & encouraged my love for baseball as a little girl-- entered me in the contest. You can read (& please vote for!) my entry here.

the bald & the ... beautiful?

Well, when I shaved my head I vowed that would be the only bald picture I took, but I lied.

I took this picture and entered it in the People Magazine "Real Beauty" contest. Turns out they aren't fond of bald women because I wasn't chosen. But that's ok. I'm still learning to embrace the baldness and feeling a little more beautiful each day.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

there's a light!

Chemo #3 is in the books!

 Adorable hat courtesy of Peaches & Brown Sugar Designs .. I love all of her beautiful hats!

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on

I first heard this song "Tunnel" by Third Day when I was diagnosed a few months ago. It makes me cry, without fail, EVERY time I hear it. It is such an incredible reminder that I'm not alone and that God's continuing to walk beside me and fight with me. But now it has even more meaning to me because I feel like I can finally, truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't believe I am only 1 more treatment from being D-O-N-E!! He's got good things are right around the corner, I know it. 

I also have to post this beautiful magnet that my dear friend Teara of Magnet Maniac created for her shop! She is so talented and thoughtful to include a magnet just for me (& the breast cancer cause) in her charity auction right now; and she is donating the proceeds to my 2 favorite charities: Bright Pink & FORCE.

Here's a lil blurb about how amazing her cute business is:

Providing handmade magnets to accessorize your life. Perfect for work, home, school, lockers, or gifts. A variety of designs to choose from or make a personalized set. Also, if you have a business logo, I can make it a magnet!

 I'm going to enjoy having next week OFF with no doctors appointments -- hooray! My oncologist doesn't want/need to see me back until the week before my next (LAST) chemo. So here's to the next few weeks of feeling good, hitting the gym, and loving life! :)

out of the mouth of babes

I truly have not given enough credit to my precious daughter who has handled her bald mommy with SUCH grace. What an amazing little person she is for only being 2.5 years old. None of what we've endured has seemed to phase her and I am so grateful to God for her resiliency during this journey.

Just wanted to share some of the precious things she's said to me over the past few weeks since I lost my hair:

• "Mommy, I love your bald head"
  
• "Why are you wearing white hair?" -- when I was wearing a platinum blonde wig
• "Mommy, your hair is darker!" -- the next day, when I wore my normal-hair-color wig.
• Me: "Yep, it is darker! Remember this is like my old hair color".
• Her: "You're not sick anymore?!?!" 

•  "Dear God, thank you for Mommy's bald head" -- bedtime prayers
  

• "When I'm a big mommy like you one day, I'll be sick and lose my hair too" {cue sobbing from me}
  It was so bittersweet to hear her say that and connect mommies & being sick, yet to also want to be just like her mommy when she grows up. 
  

•  And just yesterday she brought my wig to me and asked to wear it while playing dress-up. It totally completed her outfit :)
  
  
  I love this sweet baby girl with every fiber of my being!
  

 "And said to him,  'Do you hear you what these say?' And Jesus said to them, 'Yes; have you never read, Out of the mouth of babes and children you have perfected praise?"  

Matthew 21:16

sisterhood

 

They say that having breast cancer is like joining a sisterhood "club" that no one wants to be a part of, but yet it yields so many amazing blessings. Truer words have never been spoken.

4 days after I was diagnosed I was sweetly embraced by another young survivor, and she hasn't let go of me since. I firmly believe that God put her, and so many others, in my life to ensure that I don't walk through this journey alone. There are even strangers that I've yet to meet in real life who have become like sisters to me through emails, phone calls and texts. I could never adequately say thank you enough for their support; but I vow to pay it forward. Just to know that they've walked my walk and "get" what I'm going through is so humbling & comforting. I feel like this is the closest I could ever feel to being physically loved on by Jesus in real life.

Continue on this path with Me, enjoying My Presence even in adversity. I am always before you, as well as alongside you. See Me beckoning to you: Come! Follow Me. The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand. I am not subject to limitations of time or space. I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me.

~Jesus Calling 

P.S. Had my 1-week chemo follow up today. Guess whose bloodwork was excellent again?! My oncologist's exact words were "You look too good to be at the cancer center, get outta here. See you in two weeks for round 3!" Thank you Lord for allowing my body to tolerate this chemo!!