Right now I'm just angry. I should be scheduling the "big" ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby we were so excited to welcome. But instead I'm left empty, preparing myself mentally to start chemo. Tomorrow I'll sit in a huge, cold room for 6 hours and let poison poor slowly into my body. I feel so helpless knowing it will ruin my reproductive system with no chance to save it. I'm trying to figure out how to cherish the next few weeks before my hair falls out; my hair that (physically) defines me who I am. How do you prepare yourself to lose that? How do I explain to my 2 year old daughter what is happening to me, all while not scaring her that hers will fall out too? I'm still not quite sure. I'm angry & hurt that my life has come down to this; during what is supposed to be the "best years of our lives". These days, most days, I feel like I'm drifting through a twilight zone like none of this is really happening to me; but tomorrow, chemo will be real.
It's good to go into battle angry, right? It makes the fight all the more worth it and powerful. I'm ready. Let's do this, and put it behind me; because I'm tired of it taking up all of my emotions - emotions I'd much rather be putting towards other things in my life!
"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed".
1Peter 4:12-13
It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be sad. It's all part of the mourning process. But please don't mistake your strength thus far for something else. I know you were numb, and I know you're slowly coming out of that now, but you were strong. You ARE strong. You don't get through the surgery you went though, nor the recovery, simply by being numb. There was something else inside you pushing you through. You are the strongest woman I know. So good, get angry. Fight it. Beat it. There ARE better days ahead. I love you so much!
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you are a fighter. Anger is completely expected, especially now, on the eve of such an important event. You already know that writing can be very therapeutic. Don't be afraid to let it out. Mourning the early loss of your reproductive years, whatever plans a person may have, is a tough thing to experience, especially when in addition to processing a cancer diagnosis. Add in things that move too fast...well, this is what happens, and it is NORMAL.
ReplyDeleteIt's also normal to be scared. Claire will probably be scared a little, but she's a wise little girl. And you're a great mommy. You'll find your way through this fire and come out strong and healed.
I know you can do this. You have the support of so many friends, family, and your amazing husband. There is life on the other side. And I can tell you from experience, one day you will look back and know that you weathered the storm with strength, grace, and most of all, honesty with yourself.
I wish I had something wise to say. Just know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteditto Desiree. I wish I was there for you, to sit and pass the time. But I'll sit here and be angry for you. ((hugs)) Sorry that's not more eloquent but just know I'm here whenever you need to talk!
ReplyDeleteI could not say it any better than Desiree. Whether you are numb or angry, you're strength and determination have not changed. You got this Anne.
ReplyDelete"Cancer I did not give you the right,
To invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I will prevail with one hell of a fight.
To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send.
Your life is short and near the end."
- Healing Cancer Naturally
Oh and if that room is cold tomorrow, you tell those nurses to get you a warm blanket! Love you!
That fact that you are taking in how you really feel and charging forward will mean so much to you in the coming days and weeks. I think when this kind of tragedy hits people, the best we can do is try not to lose ourselves in it, and the only way to make sure that doesn't happen is to let ourselves feel whatever it is we feel. Because of your courage, in a year's time, this moment will feel like a blip in the radar, and you will be happy and whole again in God's strength and presence. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you warm and strength for the road that lies ahead.
ReplyDeleteRead this this morning and wanted to share it with you, Anne! CS Lewis-None of us are immune from the hard parts of life. God walks to us on the very waters that so frighten us. His word promises us:-"The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:10-11
ReplyDeleteGood luck today! Will be sending prayers of peace to you!
I don't know how I missed this--but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I am thankful every single day for your sweet gift that is Claire and know that peace is around the corner for you, but anger is good. I'd be angry too. You are an excellent mother and that little girl is lucky to have you as her example. I know she is bringing you a lot of strength!
ReplyDelete